This is an email I sent to Ebony (link above) after a photo shoot that exceeded all my expectations!
This is a story about a personal step out of my comfort zone. A photo shoot that was designed to have me look sexy. I had agreed to ‘implied nudity’. Something I was always going to do ‘when I got to my goal weight’. Then I saw Ebony’s add on a facebook page and decided it was time. Life is too short!
Hi Ebony,
I’ve been thinking ever since I saw the photos about how to explain to you how much they mean to me.
So I apologise for the long email in advance. I want to share the history so you understand a bit of how I feel.
I first remember being size conscious in my early teens. A family friend (a man in his early thirties at the time) made a comment about it.
Actually in primary school dad asked if FT on my art smock stood for ‘fat tummy’. I recall that so vividly. Fat was such a negative term to me.
I started my first diet at 16.
I dieted from then until about 4 years ago. I was either dieting or feeling guilty for not dieting. All the time. Every day. For years.
My weight yoyo’d and always ended up higher than it started.
For 30 years I fought my body. I felt like a failure. I hated my fat. I hated how I looked.
I didn’t let it stop me from doing things, but I would be self-conscious a lot of the time.
Then I met the amazing Zoe who became my dietitian due to food intolerances. It was she who introduced me to healthy at every size (HAES).
Over the next 3 years I gradually started to accept my body. Accept its size and appreciate what it could do for me. Accept that I was not one of the 5% of people for whom diets worked. Accept that focusing on health and fitness was a much better option.
I stopped feeling as self conscious. I stopped wanting to diet. The scale shared a number that was more like a shoe size than a horror film.But I never expected to love my body.
Then your photos came through.
And I LOVED how my body looked. Even my belly as I arched my back in one of the photos I purchased. It looked sexy. I looked sexy.
I never thought I would like the photos of me that you took, I did it for the experience. I was wrong. Looking through your proofs I was loving how my body looked for the first time I can ever remember! Even when I dieted myself into a size 8 I did not love my body!
What you did for me is something I will be forever grateful for. It is life changing.
Thank you is not enough, but I will say it again anyway.
Thank you.
~*~*~*~*~*~
I want to add that I expected to find one, maybe 2 photos that I didn’t hate. I purchased 30, that I love! I could have purchased more!
I sat on a stool in mum’s kitchen. We discussed the best way to tackle it.
A number of smaller plaits to maximise the length was the agreement.
I took a selfie with pigtails at the front, I used to wear my hair like that. We called them ‘pussy cats’.
This part was fun. Memories of childhood and mum doing small plaits all over my head so I could dress up as raggedy ann.
Not so fun for mum, her back started hurting.
I knew she would rather I didn’t shave my head. So I felt guilty. But she wanted to continue.
We moved to the lounge where I sat on the floor. Sideways looks came my way from my nephews. My niece was oblivious. Hair didn’t matter to her.
Once the plaits were done (I am not sure how many, I didn’t count) the butterflies started up in my belly.
I took another selfie.
Pushing on through the fear is the only way I know.
So I asked mum to cut off the plaits right away.
Back to the kitchen stool. As the first plait was cut off my butterflies became leaden weights. My hair is not heavy, so I didn’t feel lighter as the plaited hair was dropped into a ziplock bag. The braids looked sad. Skinny. And not as much in the bag as I imagined. Would they even want my fine, frizzy hair for a wig?
But now I had spikes of hair. Varied lengths around my head. I took another selfie.
My mum and sister did not want to be involved in the shaving. My brother had gleefully volunteered.
I had raised over $4,000 for cancer by this stage. It was for a good cause. My brother had donated but tells me it was to see me bald.
We discussed lengths, I suggested starting with a #2. My brother decided a #4 and then see.
There was a plan to let my nephew colour my hair with hair chalk, but even with wet hair my amazon chalks didn’t work.
So onto the shaving we went.
I could see a crowd in the kitchen, I was outside. They were talking inside but I could not hear words.
I sat in a chair, with a sarong around my shoulders. And my brother shaved a strip up the back of my head.
I felt a moment of shock. Of ‘oh shit’. Of ‘I can’t go back now’.
I am not sure how long it took to get my hair down to a #4. But we all agreed my fine hair was short enough at that length. My sister helped tidy the edges. I didn’t take a selfie while it was being done. I didn’t want to see.
I had a hat with me, and several more at home.
I expected the worst. A badly shaped head. Some scars peering through. My birthmark fully exposed.
I guess my sister helping was a good sign.
Mum was surprised. She thought I was going truly hairless. If my brother had gone there, I would have let him. But I will be forever grateful he didn’t!
I sat through dinner. It needed more tidying I was told. But mostly people didn’t pay my head much attention. Our family dinners are noisy and fun. Hair is rarely a topic.
The next morning it all hit me. A week and 1 day after deciding to see if I could raise $2,000 for cancer research and support if I offered to shave my head I sat on my lounge and shed a tear. I had raised $4750. And my hair had gone from over 40cm (~16″) long to less than 1cm. Such a huge change.
But then a neighbour helped tidy it up. And his wife lent me a headband. With some makeup I looked quite cute.
Maybe I could adjust to short hair?
That was 2 weeks ago.
I now own many headbands, and new earrings. I have a ‘headband lady’.
I swim and by the time I am at my towel my hair is nearly dry.
I use a lot less shampoo. I have zero knots.
I can wear a hat and take it off without worrying about ‘hat hair’. I wear hats a lot – my poor scalp is very unprotected!
I will grow it enough to get it ‘styled’… but I might give short hair a try for a bit.
Story by me (Fiona) based on an interview with Amanda Image by me
Not everyone likes public transport, but when you are totally blind and have not caught a bus for 20 years it can be terrifying!
Amanda was a government lawyer and in 2014 her position became redundant. She decided to become a speaker, trainer and coach and once she finished her training was approached by Guide Dogs NXW/ACT to become a PR speaker for them. “I said I’d love to, because I get to practice my speaking skills and get to give back to guide dogs. I’ve had four guide dogs. It’s fantastic, because I’ve been doing it on a voluntary basis on and off for years.”
During her initial interview they asked Amanda how she planned on getting to her speaking engagements “I said ‘by taxi’ like any other self respecting person who can’t drive. And they said ‘Ah, what would you say if we said, we wanted you to get to as many of these as possible by public transport?’
“And I hadn’t caught a bus in 20 years, because I’ve been lucky enough to have always had someone at work who was willing to give me a lift. Apparently, all the colour drained from my face. I just about nearly threw up in the interviewers lap, because I was convinced that if I caught the bus on I on my own I’d get lost, and that would be a disaster.”
Amanda was reassured that she would not be on her own, they would train her first. And they did! 2 weeks of intensive training followed.
“And so we started with just getting on and off a stationary bus and finding a seat. And I was really anxious because I said, ‘oh, maybe I’m taking too long the bus driver is gonna yell at me’. But no, it was all good. And then the bus driver drove round and round the block in the pouring rain. And while I practiced getting on, ringing the bell and getting off the bus. Then gettting back on and finding a seat before ringing the bell. So we did this and then we had a short a short trip where we went half a dozen stops with the guide dog instructor next to me.
“And then we got to the point where I got to travel into the city on my own and met the instructor there. We had a coffee and then I travelled back again. And now I travel all over Canberra by bus to speak. So that was very definitely stepping out of my comfort zone.”
Amanda was still very nervous – but there were the bus announcements, an app to tell her when her stop was coming up and the bus driver as a last resort. She did get lost once, but called her mum to collect her.
“I travelled to and from a speaking engagement, do the talk. I’d come back and I’d have to have a nap because I’d be absolutely exhausted.
“But it felt really good knowing that I could do it, that I had conquered one of my greatest fears. And it felt really great. And now I’ve got to the point where I can actually check my email and send out an invoice between stops!
“And now ironically, I actually helped to train Canberra’s bus drivers on how to make bus travel more accessible for blind people.”
Amanda had advice for anyone reading this blog “Firstly, you have to want to enough, because if you don’t want to enough, if your why’s not big enough, you won’t bother. So you have to really want to do it.
“Then just take a deep breath and figure out how you can make that possible, how you can overcome that fear. Perhaps using something like the three steps: look at it on the catastrophe scale, figure out the consequences, and then what can you do to mitigate those consequences?”
Lastly Amanda advises to change your thoughts from the reasons why you can’t to ‘How can I?’ thoughts instead.
Thank you Amanda for sharing your story of overcoming a big fear!
Amanda Heal is a published author, professional keynote speaker, sought-after empowerment coach, podcaster, and entrepreneur. For years, she has inspired and encouraged clients and audiences alike to reach their full potential by finding hope, courage, and purpose. Amanda is the sort of person who, if you tell her she can’t do something, will usually find a way. You may not think that is a big deal, but she has been totally blind since birth, so what you might find easy often creates challenges for her that she overcomes. Surviving premature birth in 1970 was the first of those challenges. At birth, she weighed just 0.750kg (1 lb 9 oz) and was 24.5cm (10” ) long. Amanda was the first totally blind student to graduate with honours in Law from the Australian National University. She has climbed to an altitude of 3,210m/10,531 ft, in Nepal, retrained as a speaker and coach after being unexpectedly laid off at the end of a seventeen-year legal career, and is a podcaster and published author of multiple books. Amanda has made a number of television appearances, including appearing on ABC News (Australia), 60 Minutes , and The Midday Show (Australia). She has also done quite a number of radio interviews. As a speaker, Amanda uses her life experiences to inspire and encourage audiences to take courageous action to overcome the challenges that keep them stuck so they can reach their full potential in work and life. As a coach, Amanda helps people discover their life’s purpose, overcome their limiting beliefs, and follow their dreams so they can celebrate rather than tolerate what they do each day. Amanda currently lives in Canberra, Australia, with her guide dog Sadie and her budgie Maestro.
Imagine, if you will, doing your job, doing your extra curricular activities, living your life.
Planning next month, next quarter, next year.
Then all of a sudden you feel awful. Tired, teary, unable to make decisions.
You stand in the kitchen at lunchtime in tears because you can’t choose what to eat.
And you just know that your life is good! You have a great job, friends, family, a puppy, travel plans. A home and a car. Even a bike and a home gym.
But you are sad, anxious and overwhelmed.
Your ADHD gets worse, you feel all over the place.
You are not coping with your fabulous life.
You don’t like who you are.
Then you feel ok again. For a day, or even 3. Maybe you imagined it?
No, it’s back.
You have to go off camera for a meeting as you are crying for no reason.
So you see your Doctor. Who is fabulous.
She asks some questions.
Do you feel like insects are crawling on your skin when nothing is there? Why yes – I pulled over yesterday as I was so sure an ant or spider was crawling around my ankle only to find nothing there.
Other than the hot flushes (which is the main symptom people talk about!) I have most of the symptoms of menopause.
But it doesn’t end there. I am given choices for management of the symptoms. HRT or antidepressents. I choose HRT.
I start on patches. They help, a little. But not enough. So I start on higher dose patches. Then patches become hard to get in Australia due to shortages. I am putting on 2 patches, each the size of match boxes, and I can feel them constantly.
And it is still not enough.
I drop many of my outside of work projects.
I drop some of my work extras.
And it is still not enough.
If I talk to people about it they sometimes get embarrassed. Like it is something I should be ashamed of. Others are supportive. They may have been there. They may see it on their horizon. But I get nervous about sharing. What if I make others uncomfortable? Something extra to feel anxious about. If I say nothing but I am acting different will people not wonder why? But if I tell them they may not want to know.
And it is still not enough.
So I start on antidepressants. I take a week off work because I am told I will feel worse before I get better. I am aware still that my life and my doctor are amazing. I just don’t feel it.
The antidepressants make me so sick I spend the week on the couch. I persist for 2 weeks.
I can’t keep going. I feel too sick, most of the time.
My doctor is not sure why I reacted that way. She calls the pharmacist and they agree on the next antidepressant for me to try. The patches are back in stock so I only have one matchbox stuck to me at a time. I miss the thumbnail sized ones, but I take what they have.
I dread starting the new antidepressants. What if I get sick again?
I don’t.
I feel immediately better. I don’t feel sick, I don’t feel tired.
These ones take longer to start working. And I have a bad cold. I am a terrible patient. I complain. I whine. I share my suffering. But that is me, not menopause.
So I wait. In weeks to come I hope to feel more like me again. The me it took me a long time to learn to love. If not, I will keep trying.
And I have been warned, adjustments will be needed along this path. As my hormone levels keep changing.
I am sorry if this post makes you uncomfortable. But I can almost guarantee menopause is making me, and most women who go through it, even less comfortable.
Story by me (Fiona) based on an interview with Karen Image by me
Karen was not sure how she was going to support her family through the pandemic “I found myself in an area where I was not sure about what my income was going to be like, or really how my family was going to be able to be supported moving forward.”
It came to Karen through a meditation that she needed to tell her daughter’s story.
“So, what happened was that when my oldest daughter was 11, I found out that she was autistic. And not just shy, as the doctors had been telling me since she was born. Through testing we found out that she was autistic.
“And being a single parent, raising three young kids, and owning my own business I was really overwhelmed and didn’t know how to deal with that. Which is very normal for a lot of parents who have children who are diagnosed with a special need later on in their life.
“At age 11 it was, it was late for her to have this diagnosis, but not uncommon. I really didn’t know how to handle it, I didn’t know how to manage.”
Karen got lots of advice and found herself going into ‘mama bear’ mode. Trying to gain some control. Trying to do everything she could to make sure her daughter was going to be ok.
“And it came to a point where she just exploded at me and was like, ‘Well, why can’t I? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t you just love me for who I am?’
“And in our relationship, and in my parenting relationship with her, that was a huge defining moment. I woke up and I heard her and that changed how I parented her. I really taught her how to advocate for herself, and really taught her how to think about what her needs were.”
Jordan, Karen’s daughter, is about to graduate from college. The same daughter that Karen was told “was not going to have friends, not be able to get a job, not graduate high school, not go on to post-secondary, not be able to live on her own.
“And she has done all these things. And she’s done all these things, with honours, and with flying colours and just a breath of fresh air. And she’s just a beautiful joy to be around. She has her struggles, but her whole theory, her whole motto in life is I don’t want to have regrets.”
With Jordan as her example Karen started saying yes to every opportunity to speak about her amazing daughter “yes to anybody who wanted to talk to me, any platform where I could start telling my story because there is somebody who needs to hear it.”
Karen has done podcasts and Facebook lives with audiences all around the world. She won a prestigious speaking prize at John Maxwell where she was learning to perfect her craft.
When Karen wonders if maybe she is doing this for herself, not for others with special needs children, she gets a message from someone who has heard her story and was impacted by it. That keeps her going.
Karen’s advice for anyone considering stepping out of their comfort zone? “So to step outside of your comfort zone is terrifying. And it is hard
“And of course, within our comfort zone, there’s also that terror barrier – that really big thick elastic band that you’ve got to really push against in order to break through.
“So my advice is for you to create some type of vision board of what you want your life to look like outside of that comfort zone. So really commit to that: write it down if you like to journal, create a vision board, make a video blog. Before you actually begin, visualize and know what that end looks like. So that when you start to feel that resistance, when your limiting beliefs start to kick in, you go back to that, and you say ‘yes, this is why I’m doing it. This is where I need to be.’
“Because you don’t need to know the path but you need to know where to go, the path will be revealed one step at a time.”
And Karen has told me a book is somewhere in her future!
Thank you for sharing Karen.
About Karen:
Karen Anne Fasulo found out when her daughter was 11, that she was Autistic and not just shy. Karen learned very quickly that she also required a lot of support. However, everyone she spoke to didn’t understand HER, The mom. 9 years later and lots of learning, Karen Anne Fasulo, is a Certified Coach, Trainer, and Speaker as well as a Certified D.I.S.C. Behaviour Analysis Trainer, and uses her training, but also her personal experience to help parents just like YOU navigate through the steps to happier, healthier family life. Karen’s motto is in order to have a great relationship with your children, you first must have a great relationship with yourself.
Miranda lived her life outside her comfort zone, but nothing could prepare her for the year when everything changed.
“Suddenly her own private world collapsed when (within a few short months) her beautiful mother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly due to suicide (much like Robin Williams) and on the very same day Miranda adopted her baby sister who was then 11, then her grandmother died due to aggressive cancer, her brother in law passed due to brain tumours, she was fired from her job (that she took on to grieve her mum) and she discovered “Mr Forever Fiancé” was cheating on her this entire time.
She found herself planning funerals, (and later a tinder profile) as a single mum when she was meant to be planning a wedding, family and her “perfect life”.”
On Sunday I did something that many people do every day, but for me it was a long way out of my comfort zone.
I wore rollerblades!
About 20 years ago I decided to buy rollerblades in the post-Christmas sales. I was going to get fit, and be one of those people who rollerbladed along St Kilda beach.
Well, my dream was ended rather abruptly when about 6 steps in to my new activity when I broke my back.
I have made a full recovery, physically.
But for several years I could not even watch others rollerblade.
And for longer I got nervous on any slippery surface.
In the back of my mind was the fact that the rollerblades won.
I had this idea about just wearing some rollerblades once more and just standing in them. Maybe for a minute. To even the scales a bit. But I let fear stop me.
Then last year my sister-in-law invited me to go roller-skating with her, my brother and their young kids.
I decided it was my chance!
And then we went into lockdown.
Fast forward to this year and the invitation was reissued – mother’s day at the skating rink!
My expectations were low, and my trepidation high. I had a goal to stand in the rollerblades, but was fully prepared to not even mange that.
My brother suggested roller skates instead, but it had to be the blades.
The rental counter handed over my size 7s and I went back to our table.
Step 1 – putting them on- went ok.
Standing up… I was not sure it was going to happen! But after quite a bit of self-talk I stood. And then let go of the table. For a minute!
Then I sat back down.
Part 3 was going from the table to the seat beside the rink – holding my brothers hand. I managed to shuffle across. I watched people of all ages skate and shuffle about the rink. And started moving around a bit myself, on the carpet.
After a while I realised that my rollerblade confidence was at it’s limit, so I switched them out for rollerskates – with the wheels tightened.
And I am proud to say that after quite a few trips along one edge of the rink holding the rail, I did a full lap of the rink without holding onto anything or anyone!
It was slow. It was wobbly in places. It was more shuffle than skate.
But I feel I have conquered my fear of being on skates, and am going to go again!
Story by me based on an interview with Richard Image by me
Interviewing Richard was an experience out of my comfort zone! He definitely challenged my thinking.
“Since about 2012, I’ve put myself into a whole bunch of adventures, and they vary dramatically from something more recent, which was I lived on the streets in India pulling a two-seater hand-pulled rickshaw. It’s a two-seater wooden cart that generally a very old wiry man pulls on, and they often do that barefoot, and they are in extreme poverty. They live on the streets, eat from the streets, sleep with the rats. So basically, what I did as a bit of a social experiment was live with work with those guys for a whole week, just mirroring that their life completely in every aspect.
“Then if you go right back to the start, I’ve done things like ran around the base of an exploding volcano in Sumatra while being rained on by rock and ash. I’ve been in a war zone in the middle of Israel with missiles flying overhead. I have pushed myself doing a hike to such an extent that I put myself in hospital and nearly came close to amputation, and that’s just a few of the things.”
When I asked Richard why, he shared Mount Hiei’s marathon monks’ story – who challenge themselves to circle the mountain every day for 1000 days. And if they miss a day, they take their own lives, regardless of the reason.
Richard thinks “it’s more to do with a feeling or an emotion. I’m not a big believer in a purpose or a mission statement, or a goal, per se. And the reason for that is that goal, I guess, are only guidance; they don’t drive us. So you’ve always got to look for what the driver is. And I think that has to be emotionally driven internally; it’s unique to every single person. When you have that feeling, I believe you are on the right path. I think intuitively, people probably know what direction they are supposed to go in. “But I think that the strange thing about intuition is that it tells you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. So you’re looking down a path that can be very scary and a bit daunting. And that doesn’t seem right. But, generally is the right way.
“I think whatever that feeling is, you know you’ve got the why when you have a love-hate relationship with it, because I love what I do, but equally I hate what I do. I think the why has to be something that is almost not controllable. I don’t think you can have it as a mission statement, or this is why I do what I do.”
Richard spoke to me that being uncomfortable can be dark and miserable and should not focus on the positives. “It sounds counterintuitive to focus on the negatives, but you have to because that’s the only stuff that’s going to stop you from moving forward and pursuing whatever it is you want to follow, not the positive stuff.
“The positive stuff takes care of itself. It’s the stuff that gets rid of the positive stuff that you need to focus on. The anxious feeling, the overwhelm, there’s a whole array of stuff that comes along the path to any goal, and you need to focus on that stuff. If you feel that you’re willing to take that stuff on, then that’s okay, but if you’re not, don’t do it. But don’t fool yourself and go, ‘well I’m going to give this a crack; it’s going to be amazing, and then at the first hurdle you go ‘it’s all too hard, or it’s too scary, or it’s too whatever.”
The last part of Richards advice I am going to share is about fear “the exciting thing about fear is that if I am in the middle of a war zone, for example, or I’m about to stand in front of a camera for 2000 people the feelings the same. It’s kind of cool if you can work out how to step into fear. You’ve conquered most things in life because every situation feels the same! “Also, remember that fear and excitement feel the same. You could almost think yourself well, let me flip my thinking to excitement, and I’m feeling no fear at all.”
Thank you, Richard, for your unique thoughts on stepping out of your comfort zone!
Richard Bowles is the founder of Adventure Alchemy and a five-time world record-breaking Australian adventurer. He’s also a multi-disciplined educator, executive advisor, and top 20 rated APAC speaker. His risky adventure experiences and unique research have enabled him to accelerate his clients’ performance and organizational progress. His work features in international media including CNN, Sky News, and The Today Show.
