I got to the top of the wall to my right on my last attempt!
I have a friend who recently described me as her ‘partner in crime’. And I can’t disagree. She is mainly the ideas person, I am almost always happy to give things a try. In some cases, such as our upcoming trip to Queenstown, NZ, we exchange adventures. In the Queenstown example I have agreed to go river surfing with her, and she will come on a bungee swing with me.
Bouldering was Cilla’s idea. Her sons had taken her and she thought I would like it. We put some of her sons chalk into a freezer bag and went along. Waivers were signed, shoes were hired and we went upstairs to the ‘bouldering’ section.
For those (like me 3 weeks ago) who are not familiar with bouldering you climb indoor walls like the image above, they are around 5 metres high, with no harness but large soft cushions below. The walls are covered in different climbs arranged by colour and numbered (mostly) as per difficulty. Difficulty ranges from 1 – 10 and most walls lean inwards with some having overhangs to get around. The idea is that you stick to a colour for that particular climb, though for beginners it is fine to mix and match.
On my first attempt I was very timid. I climbed a lot but didn’t go very high. And discovered two things: bouldering is fabulous fun, and bouldering is an amazing workout that sneaks up on you while you are having fun and challenging yourself! I could not lift my arms without great effort for a few days afterwards!
I never considered myself scared of heights, but apparently when I am the thing keeping me clinging to a wall that changes. Being even a few metres up I can freeze if I think too hard about where I am. As my arms get stronger, my confidence is growing. I think my confidence is what is stopping me more than my skill, but they will grow together.
I have now been 4 times, another friend has joined us (and her daughter wants to come too). I even went on my own. I can now get to the very top of the wall on a level 1, my goal for tomorrow night is to do that on multiple climbs.
I have a second goal too: after watching my niece and nephew on the automatic ropes I want to try that! So Tuesday will see me putting on a harness and climbing much higher for the joy of ‘floating’ back down afterwards. I will let you know how that feels 🙂
It seems I missed posting vlog number 8 here, but you can find it on my youtube channel. This vlog includes my thoughts on how I feel about coaching 4 months in, some tactics with my teams and a confession – am I an agile purist?
Ali and I ‘met’ via a Facebook group for Chooks SA. When I reached out to ask for people to share their stories Ali stepped up right away!
This example of Ali stepping out of her comfort zone was when she began doing Facebook Live video streams. She did it because “I was told I had to, to grow my business! And… more importantly, because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.’’
Ali was surprised to find that doing the livestreams helped with her anxiety! ‘’It’s still a work in progress and I’m getting better at them all the time. I’m honestly still quite nervous when I do them but every time, it gets a little less scary. It also helps with my anxiety believe it or not. Each time I do it, it’s like another step forward in the recovery process.’’
I asked Ali how this all made her feel ‘’I always get so nervous beforehand that I feel I need to be overprepared. I practice, pre-record myself, make copious notes just in case I forget what I want to say. I primp, preen and make sure I look my best.
‘’During the live, there are so many things going on in my mind that sometimes it’s hard to think. I feel like I stumble, I look stupid, I’m thinking “is anything I’m even saying making sense?” I get ‘afraid’ that someone will actually log in and watch it live while I’m on! How ironic is that?! It’s a Facebook LIVE!
“Afterwards, I’m always so relieved it’s over and I watch the replay immediately to see how it went. It’s amazing that each and EVERY time, I always do a much better job than expected. It gives me confidence and fills me with excitement to try again next time.’’
As always, I asked Ali for any advice and last words:
‘’Look it’s scary at first simply because you don’t know what to expect. We build up so many expectations in our own minds of what COULD happen, but in fact, we don’t know until we are brave enough to give it a go.
‘’I have learnt that stepping out of your comfort zone means making mistakes, but more importantly – it is a learning experience. It helps you grow stronger, more confident in yourself ready for when the next time comes around.
‘’Once you take that plunge – you are filled with a sense of pride that is indescribable. My advice, in the words of NIKE…….Just Do It!
‘’I know this sounds cliché, but if there is something you know you need to do but it involves stepping out of your comfort zone – the absolute best thing you can do is just go for it. Sure, you may fumble a bit but we’ve all been there and everyone has to start somewhere. Nobody is perfect and it will feel absolutely amazing when you do.”
Thank you Ali!
A bit about Ali
I am an Empowerment & Success Coach AKA The Motivation Mumma. I help fellow abuse survivors to rediscover their empowered voice, become unapologetically confident, powerhouse women & mothers- because that is who we are!
I have had 3 separate abusive relationships myself and am proud that I no longer say, “Poor me.” I now say, “I AM PROUD TO BE ME!” I made it through. And I want this for my fellow survivors too. It is my absolute passion to help these ladies feel as amazing as I do.
I have had mixed results with stylists. For many years I have envied those with a definitive style – be it retro or Goth or anything at all really! My style has tended to be comfortable clothes that ‘flatter’ me. Mainly jeans!
My first styling session was with a woman who was able to help me find flattering clothes. I purchased 5 tops with her in a 1 hour session in Myer. Sadly I was so excited by the fact that the tops looked good on me that I forgot to decide if I actually liked them! I returned 4 of the tops the next day.
Many years later I met a lovely stylist at a 2 day course about presence, influence and finding your voice. She said wonderful things about me and how to dress to better flatter my shape. I set up a session with her about 6 months later. We did a full wardrobe review and then a shopping session to fill specific gaps in my collection. I had a wonderful time and added a lot to my wardrobe. But diets were mentioned more than once. And the shops we went into I was wearing the biggest size they had. I had great clothes, but I didn’t feel wonderful. I also had a new set of ‘rules’ to follow when I dressed. No white shirts (too much white across my body to be flattering), for example.
Fast forward to 2019, and at the SheEO summit I met Blaise from Hear us Roar. HuR is an online clothing store featuring plus size designers. My heart sang, and then sank. I am terrible at online clothes shopping. Most plus size models are tall, and I am at the shorter end of average height. Things rarely looked the same on me! Then Blaise gave me a ray of hope… they were looking at doing a pop up styling shop in Melbourne!!
I think I only asked once (maybe twice?) if they were still planning the pop up store… and I was reassured it was still a possibility.
My excitement when I saw the dates on Instagram was enormous! I immediately asked to be signed up.
Finally the day arrived, I was filled with anticipation, mixed with dread… what if I didn’t like anything? What if it didn’t look good on me? What if the stylist and I had different taste?
And, just imagine, what if I loved what they showed me.
I set two budgets – sensible and stretch.
The hour of trying on clothes with Karina was joyous. Not only were there clothes I liked, and liked on me, there were so many that I was able to be picky! Not once were the words flattering or minimising used. I was not dressing to look smaller; I was dressing the look (and feel) fabulous.
The end of an hour saw me sorting my haul into 3 categories: definitely, maybe and sadly no. Karina priced the definitely pile while I wandered, ate cheese, drank wine and looked again at the maybe pile. Feeling like a million dollars. Which was definitely not my budget!
The good news came back – I was within my stretch budget (just!). The bad news was I had decided there were two items on the maybe pile I could not live without… I may have stretched my stretch budget a tiny bit… but what price can you put on feeling stylish, and not small in any way?
Image from Unsplash (no credit provided) Words by Brigette
I have a list. It’s called the ‘I’m freaking out story’, and it is a culmination of phrases I used during a single therapy session. The point of the list is to take note every time my mind goes to a thought that is similar to these phrases, and to recognise it. So, what is on the list you ask? As you would expect, they are negative thoughts towards myself. The eye opening one for me was ‘Losing control is failure’.
I have never considered myself a ‘control freak’. I was a happy, hardworking, glass is half full kind of person. I woke up with purpose, I lived by my morals, I slept soundly at night. I had never considered a need to go to therapy. I had been through ups and downs sure, but generally I considered my life to be on an upwards trajectory. And then I had a nervous breakdown.
The details of what triggered this are unimportant. What you need to know is that stress is cumulative. It stacks up. Every one of us is carrying a pile of stress. Stress from things that might be years old. And your pile keeps growing. It grows when you don’t acknowledge and release it.
See most of us come across something stressful, and we either run from it, or we try and tackle it by breaking it down. Neither works. And this is where my control issue comes in.
Somewhere along the way my stress started building rather than releasing. And as my pile of stress grew larger, I tried to tackle it head on. My weapon of choice – control. If I can control my environment I can manage my stress. If I can have all the information, I can control it and manage it. If I can analyse the hell out of it, and think of every single worst-case possible scenario, I can plan for all outcomes, and then I can control it.
As I got older, my stresses became heavier. Career choices, I became a parent, my partner went through cancer, financial stresses, family, friends – the stress list was long, and heavy. And the more there were, the more I tried to control them. I was walking around with never ending lists in my head, constantly seeking out information and planning, planning, planning.
Soon, my need to control things started creeping in to controlling those around me. I wanted to keep them safe and happy. I wanted to prepare for all scenarios. So, I needed information all the time. I over observed to sense any changes in their behaviour or language. I over communicated. It was exhausting, both for them and me.
I became completely unable to deal with ambiguity. And the really scary thing is that I did not consciously recognise any of this. I didn’t realise what I was doing. I knew that I had stress and anxiety at times. I knew that I was an avid communicator. I knew I was tired a lot. I put it all down to being a full time working mum that had been through some stuff and really needed a break.
The fact is that stress is cumulative. It can manifest itself in lots of different damaging ways, both mentally and physically. And while it is very easy to say I have lived through some really tough situations and it isn’t my fault I got to the point of breaking, the simple fact is that the only thing any of us can ever control is ourselves.
It is not easy to turn back the tide on being a ‘control freak’. I spent years slowly building those habits up. They created a framework within me of what I thought was protection. And now I need to tear them down. I need to face ambiguity and embrace it. I need to focus on first understanding what self-care looks like for me, and then taking proactive steps to do it. And I need to acknowledge to myself that I can only control me, and I need to let go of owning other people’s choices and actions.
When all of this seems really hard, and like I am fighting against my own sense of self, I remember a very simple thing my therapist told me. Pain is inevitable, suffering isn’t. All of the lists and planning and information gathering were fuelling my own anxiety and creating suffering that did not even need to exist. All I need to know is that if and when something happens, I have the tools within myself, and the strength to face it. Until then, I do not need to make myself suffer. It does not serve me, and I am in complete control of that.
A few learnings to finish:
Sometimes we need to change – a belief, habit, opinion. These things can build up within us over time and cause negative effects. What is important is being ok with changing.
There is nothing wrong with needing help. I never thought I would go to a therapist – but for a few months I did – and they gave me the tools I needed to right the ship.
Mindfulness seems to be the key to all paths of good. Focus on the present, listen to yourself, breathe.
And for those wondering how you deal with stress if you don’t run from it and you don’t tackle it… You acknowledge it and then let it go. That is the answer. It all comes back to control.
