Sharing stories about stepping out of your comfort zone
Author: Fiona Tibballs
My name is Fiona Tibballs and I am passionate about the benefits of leaving your comfort zone. I do it myself as often as possible. I am so grateful for the opportunity to share stories about courage on my blog.
My goal for the summer break was to convert my exes ‘man cave’ into my ‘she-shed’. This involved emptying, cleaning, acid staining the floor, sealing the floor, painting the walls and moving my gym equipment in. And I had 2 weeks. And all within my skill set (or so I thought).
It started well with a trip to the tip and a new power washer to clean the concrete floor. The acid stain (actually an ethanol or methanol (I forget which) based one) was sprayed on. And I waited with excitement for my floor to turn a lovely teal. 4-6 hours they said. I waited 8 hours before realising the lime levels in my concrete were obviously too low to activate much colour. I had more pale than bright teal. But onwards I went, the option of paying more money to dye the concrete (without guaranteed results) was tempting but I resisted. It is ‘only a shed’ became a mantra.
I did my first coat of seal and visited often as it dried. Patchy. But I had a second coat to go!
I also learned something at this stage – do not seal your concrete floor in bare feet – any seal you walk in will seal the dirt to the soles of your feet for several days!
I applied the second coat (in boots and gloves), trying to make sure the non-shiny parts got more paint. It dried. Patchy. I reminded myself that it is only a shed. It would be fine. About this time, I looked at the curing time – 7 days and I was closing in on my second week of leave! I planned to paint the walls on day 3 (90% cured) before moving the gym into the she-shed on day 8 (a couple of days before going back to work).
Then I looked at the floor again the next day, and the next. And did a third coat of seal. I’ll be honest, it is still patchy. But it is only a shed. I refuse to do a 4th coat.
The delayed painting day arrived. Not something I have done much of. I stirred my paint, lay down plastic drop sheets, with some old towels as extra protection. I found a roller and tray that fit. I used a brush to cut in one panel of the wall and started rolling. Paint went on the wall. And on me. The screws I had chosen not to remove meant more brushwork. Some rolled parts were patchy (theme?) and some had so much paint they dripped. Lines appeared from the edge of the roller. This was not going well! I stepped back to contemplate my technique and how to fix it… onto the edge of my paint tray! Thankfully I only clipped it and it didn’t spill. But it did tear my drop sheet. And finish my journey into painting walls. I was done!
I logged onto airtasker. I will skim over the next 36 hours other than to say that sometimes I am too trusting and the person who accepted my job and then delayed for over 24 hours (with legitimate sounding excuses) before no longer responding to me did not deserve that faith that people try to do the right thing. I was played. (Will I ever understand the pleasure someone gets from doing stuff like that? Probably not.)
Fast forward to lunch time the next day and a different person is out there painting the walls… He showed up 😊. He may have been (self-confessed) the worlds slowest painter, but by 2am I was driving him to the station and the walls were done. OK, so my acid stain spray technique may mean that there are teal patches bleeding through on most of the lower parts of the walls… but it was done!
So how do you go from being a really shy kid to wanting to speak in an auditorium? Beresford has taken that very path!
As an example of Beresford’s starting point, at about age 20 he was the best man at his cousins wedding, and as we all know part of the best man role is to give a speech. Despite preparing his speech, and knowing his cousin quite well, Beresford “just froze and I couldn’t even open my mouth. I just stood there, and it seemed endless. I just didn’t say anything. In the end I ended up saying ‘the bridesmaids look good’. And I walked off. Those are the only words that came out of my mouth. And it was really embarrassing.”
At this point many people would just decide public speaking was not for them! But Beresford was motivated to improve. His dad was an excellent and sought after public speaker – both rehearsed and off the cuff. After some research it was suggested that Beresford try Toastmasters. And a mere 15-20 years later he joined.
Through Toastmasters Beresford has not just gained confidence, but also skill. His first speech “didn’t come out the way I wanted it to, it was kind of bland. There wasn’t a lot of energy.”
Beresford is working on bringing out his personality more when he speaks, he is motivated to keep getting better and better at public speaking, as well as his goal to speak to an audience of over 1000 people.
Part of the motivation for Beresford, aside from wanting to improve himself, is to help other people develop as well. “I’m one of the mentors for the Melbourne University programme. I’m one of the panel members, helping young people develop their capabilities and skills. It’s not only for myself, but it’s also for others that I try to share my knowledge.”
Beresford also spoke to me about how building his confidence in public speaking has made him more confident to take on other challenges.
In 2019 Beresford was one of the new Ways of Working coaches at Telstra, a role you had to put in an expression of interest for. “Being a coach involves changing people’s mindset. Which is not easy to do. It’s a different aspect of your confidence, because previously it’s being confident to go up and speak in front of a group of people, but now it’s actually speaking to a person individually, and changing that person’s mindset.
“The way I’ve handled things in the past was someone’s got their mindset, and I just told them what my opinions are. And it’s up to them to change if they wanted to. But now being in the Agile ways of working, and the company has gone in a certain direction, it’s more that I have to make sure they are moving in that direction.”
The rewards of coaching can also be more delayed than giving a speech – one example Beresford gave me was working with someone for 6 weeks before having a breakthrough “After six weeks, they said ‘oh yeah, I can start to see the benefits. Now even though we are building code, we can still talk to our colleagues every day for about 15 minutes. And at least try and understand what the blockers are and we can remove those blockers’”.
Beresford had an interesting take away from that experience “And what I realised was, if you tell someone once, it kind of goes in one ear and out the other. But if you keep telling them the same thing, they start to believe it. So, if I tell someone, ‘you’re an idiot’? First time, it’s just goes in and out. But if I keep telling them the same thing over and over again, they start to believe it.” Makes you think about what messages we are putting out there.
Confidence was a common theme throughout Beresford’s chat with me, but he also talked about being genuine. “People need to be able to trust you. Because you can have all the confidence in the world, right? If you go to a car yard, the car salesman has got a lot of confidence, but I don’t trust them. So you may have the confidence but you still have to be genuine. People can pick that up pretty easily.”
If you are considering stepping out of your comfort zone, Beresford has some advice for you: “Know your weaknesses and don’t procrastinate – commit!”
About Beresford: Beresford is a fellow Ways of Working coach at Telstra. He is also passionately involved at Toastmasters
Once all the paying jumpers were on the ground floor Troy
leapt spectacularly from the roof to the ground – 100% faith in his son to stop
him before he hit the ground. The sight was awe-inspiring in the truest sense.
Another nervous jumper and I received wonderful hugs from
Troy, as a congratulations and well done. I will be honest – it felt great!
Then it was back up to the roof for jump 2 of 3. I was looking
forward to it.
Until Troy told us he was upping the ante!
Jump 2 we were given the option of jumping off a standing position,
on top of the wall, toes hanging over, leaning forward 45 degrees… oh my
goodness!
Then, we were told we could walk down to the first of 3
flags then push off from the wall, loosen our hands and jump to the next flag!
This time around I waited further back in the group, until I
realised my nerves were getting worse.
Troy must have sensed my fear as he called me up. To my shock
he didn’t ask if I was going to stand, we laughed about the fact that there was
zero chance of that happening. I also decided not to do the jumping. It seemed
like a complexity I didn’t need!
Round 3 was the fun round. Nothing new to learn. I applied
my learnings – don’t wait too long (I went third) and I also decided to do a couple
of jumps. It is possible I was motivated by having sore hands from holding on
so tight, but regardless of why – I jumped down a section of the wall! Twice.
The high from all the adrenaline lasted longer than the hour
Troy predicted.
I apologise publicly to everyone I spoke to in the few hours
following – I may have been a bit hyper and spoken a few too many words per
minute!
If you are thinking about stepping out of your comfort zone
may I suggest Rap Jumping? The feeling of achievement when you have done it is
amazing – but doesn’t beat the joy of walking down a wall!
Troy and I were in agreement that I had to go next before my nerve deserted me entirely, so I stepped up to the bottom of the steps. My harness (all three buckles), my gloves and my helmet were checked. The brake and the rope were attached, and I held the rope loosely (possibly…).
Troy checked the previous person was out of the way and then
it was time for me to walk up the stairs.
I did that kind of mindlessly, and then when I got to the top I realised I was not going to be able to proceed.
There was no way I was going to be able to even sit on the
edge, and go over? No chance!
I told Troy I was sorry, but I could not proceed. He told me
to take my time, and I think I tried to explain that I didn’t need time, I was
not able to do it. What I actually said may or may not have resembled that! Troy
was the epitome of patience. I had time.
Then he deployed his masterstroke (he told us later that he had studied neuroscience) and asked me what story I wanted to be telling in an hour – that I walked down the wall or that I didn’t walk down the wall. Troy was unaware that I had written a blog committing to jumping, that I was going to have to tell a public story one way or the other, but that question apparently made me think about the future and took my brain out of its hijacked state.
I decided that I did want to proceed after all. So slowly I
put my left leg over the wall, sat down and then (with Troy’s help) put my
right leg over.
At this stage terror was again my main emotion. I was
sitting on a wall 7 stories above the ground, attached to a rope and Troy’s
hand on my harness. And I was going forward, not back to the safety of the
roof.
And forward I went. As I went off the wall Troy made sure I
was in control and I was off. Walking down the wall!
That felt amazing!! I was walking down a 7 story building, loosely
holding a rope. I thought (and possibly yelled) “I am so glad I did this”. I
could feel my grin.
Near the bottom I stopped on instruction and tried to jump
towards my catcher (Troy’s son). He helped me the final few metres and unhooked
the rope.
Then I sat down, quite suddenly I think. I was pleasantly surprised how easily the cross legged position was to get into!
Those who had gone before me were full of compliments and
reassurance. They were unaware of the delay at the top as they could only see
once I sat on the wall!
Apparently, my technique was pretty good.
This story does not end here! Come back tomorrow for jumps 2
and 3 where they upped the ante…
After a bunch of introductions, paperwork checks, exchanges
of stories (2 people only found out what they were doing when they arrived!),
and late arrivals we headed up to the roof of the 7-story building.
Troy was our main instructor, with 2 people working with him
(I know they were Troy’s son and a person on their first day but sadly their
names didn’t stick in my overwhelmed brain!), and he delivered our safety
instructions as well as some history of rap jumping. I think SAS was mentioned?
I do recall that it allowed our armed forces to shoot as they rappelled rather
than be vulnerable going down backwards. And it was known around the world as the
‘Aussie Rappell’.
There were white lines painted on the roof, a set of 4ish
black wooden steps leading up to the wall on the edge of the roof. A single
rope was thrown over the edge of the roof, attached to a frame in the concrete.
We were told where we could and could not stand without specific direction (the
purpose of the white lines) and then sent over to the row of 9 harnesses.
I hesitated physically for the first time as they showed us how to step into the harness. Once I had it on this would be real. Was I really going to go down from this roof face first attached to a single rope? I decided I was willing to commit to wearing the harness, but must have had that terrified look still as the person helping me tighten the three buckles checked in on how I was feeling. I think my response was ‘sick’. And not in a youthful ‘this is awesome’ way. He warned me that as I came down the wall the harness may press on my stomach so to be aware of that. Luckily the ‘sick’ feeling was more in my head than my belly.
Next we put on out helmets and gloves then lined up parallel
to the rope. You would think the mention of how many tonnes the rope could
support would reassure me… but it didn’t help much to be honest! At the
question ‘who is the most nervous’ I was happy to put up my hand. I doubted
anyone else was more scared.
The benefit of being the most nervous was that I was the one who got to test the braking mechanism – hold the rope to brake, let it slide to go – while leaning forward at 45 degrees on the safety of the roof. It held me easily – and even walking forward without it ‘braked’ was an effort.
It was shortly after this that it was time to start. We had
a demonstration, it looked easy, but I doubted it was! Walk up the steps, put
your left leg over the wall, sit on the wall, put your right leg over, lean
forward, walk down the wall. Simple right?
Unlike my willingness to volunteer to be the most nervous, I
did not volunteer to be first down the wall! Luckily a few people went before me,
but then, by mutual agreement between myself and Troy it was my turn. So up I
walked, with shaking knees, to take my turn.
As you may have seen from my part 1 blog on rappelling, from when I saw the gift voucher for this activity I was extremely nervous – feeling lightheaded and nauseous nervous.
So in the week leading up to R-day (aka the day of rappelling) I told many people. I committed publicly any time that the opportunity arose – and in some cases just posted online regarding my plans – and my terror!
Up until the night before I had not done any research. I just knew I was going face first down the outside of a building.
Then the panic really set in. I read the FAQs on the rap jumping site. I measured my waist circumference to ensure I was within the limits. I planned my outfit (dark colours recommended), I wondered why dark colours were recommended! I looked at the images posted of smiling faces as people walked down the wall.
With my time of departure planned, my chosen dark clothing laid out, and my alarm set (just in case!) I went to bed on the Friday night.
And slept soundly until 4am… at 4:15am I was googling instructions for beginner rappelling – most of which were rope tying instructions! At that stage (assuming that I would not be tying my own ropes) – reminding myself that the activity was safe for children as young as 7 – I went back to bed and slept fitfully while dreaming of all the ways I may be expected to get off the roof and onto the wall.
I headed off Saturday morning with plenty of time, found a car park nearby and arrived 15 minutes before the ‘arrive 15 to 30 minutes early’ request. To an empty meeting spot.
We were to meet in the car park, and I spent the next 15 minutes peering around the edge of the building, relocating myself to try and find the perfect position of comfort, shade and visibility of the car park to spy anyone else arriving. R-30mins arrived and I was still alone in the carpark (other than the hostel guest who came out to his car 3 times and gave me odd looks – it is possible the whites of my eyes were showing) so in a panic I called the 1300 number to make sure I was in the right car park. I was. They were on the roof doing their safety checks and would be down soon.
In an unusual move this post has two parts! I have booked in to do rappelling this Saturday and have decided to document here how I am feeling right now.
To put it bluntly I am terrified. To the extent that part of this post is a public commitment to going ahead!
When I got the gift certificate for Christmas I was torn: I felt excitement as it was new, and definitely involved adrenaline, but I also felt terror. Walking face-first down a building is a long way out of my comfort zone.
I am confident I will love it once I have gone over the edge and made the first few steps down the building.
But my stomach is churning and I feel light headed just thinking about those first few steps!
So this is my public commitment to going ahead. Part two to follow next week.
I started my conversation with Tanya talking about her amazing business – Girl Shaped Flames – but then she mentioned a time she stepped out of her comfort zone and it didn’t work out. And she kindly allowed me to focus on that part of her experience – but I will start by saying Tanya has had success outside of her comfort zone both before and after this particular experience!
When Tanya was 24 she got a role as a film production manager in the UK with very little experience and was very good at it! 2 years later and one of her contacts wanted to work with her on a film he was the 1st assistant director on.
“And he called me up and said, ‘I’m working on another film and It’d be so cool if we could work together again. They already have a production manager on the job, but I wonder if I could find another role for you to come on as.’
“And, as it turned out, he managed to wrangle me into a second assistant director role, which is very similar to production manager because essentially you’re in charge of organising things, but the difference is that you’re organising people (and let’s be honest egos. I was more used to managing resources, crew, logistics etc.”
“I sort of went into it a little bit naive thinking I can figure the differences in the roles out. I’m sure it’s fine. But very quickly, within a few days of me being there, I started questioning whether I actually knew how to handle the nuances of the job or not. That partnered with a pretty unsupportive production manager on set who was frustrated that the 1st AD had hired someone inexperienced for the role. I certainly went in just trying to do the best job I could, and it was fairly challenging circumstances. But the whole time I just had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I wasn’t sure whether this was all going to plan.
“We did six weeks of prep, and then we were supposed to have a six-week shoot, but about three and a half weeks into shooting things just dissolved to a point where I was really struggling in the role. I imagine it was partly a conflict of my skillset not being quite right as well as the challenges presented clashing with the PM.
“But there came one day where I basically had not been able to give the lead actress the attention that she needed while she was waiting to be called to set, because I was just overwhelmed with other work and I lost track of time really. She was in a very fragile state. She was away from her family. She’s had very emotional and draining scenes in the film, and she had a bit of a meltdown, essentially.
“And this was a situation that was really my responsibility to keep under control, and I hadn’t. It all came crashing down on me.
“So off the back of that it presented a good time for myself and the film to ‘mutually part ways’, which is the polite way of saying that I was pretty much fired because if I hadn’t chosen to go, they were going to have to fire me anyway.
“That was hands down the most confidence shattering experience that went against all of the beliefs I had in myself and the world. The world where I thought ‘you can take on any challenge, you can throw yourself into anything. If you work really hard, and you try really hard, you will find a way to make things work and succeed’. And the fact that I had done all those things yet it had still not succeeded really shook the foundations of how I functioned as a human being. Two days later (which happened to be my birthday) I got on a plane and flew back to Australia and I hid out at my mum’s house for five weeks, refusing to go back to London because I was so distraught over what this meant – my film career, and my dream, felt over.”
Tanya has found that processing is critical in recovering from an event like this. “We’re all really quick to say ‘Don’t worry, brush it off, it’s fine. It doesn’t matter. Keep going, it’s all good.’ But that’s not how we work as people. It’s not how we work mentally or emotionally, really, we do need time to process and we need time to cry and be angry and it’s almost like you go through the stages of mourning: denial, bargaining etc until finally you come out the other side of it.”
Tanya started slowly and, with lots of support, got back into the producer and production manager role that she was confident in.
I asked Tanya if this experience changed her willingness to set out of her comfort zone, and the answer was that it didn’t necessarily change her willingness, but she is less emotional when she decides to do so “it has definitely made me think a little bit more, consider a bit more thoroughly.”
But she’s determined to continue to promote confidence development and risk taking within the younger generation coming through. Tanya gives the below advice to high school girls on her Girl Shaped Flames program:
“What’s really important is developing a very clear understanding of yourself and trying to understand what excites you, what terrifies you, what you’re good at, what you’re not good at, what you like and what you don’t like as early as possible.
Because the more you do that, and the more you understand yourself, the greater your belief in your capacity becomes – and whether that’s capacity to succeed in a professional environment, or whether it’s capacity to survive in an adventure opportunities. Because when we believe, when we understand our own capacity, it positions us in such a better place to say yes when opportunities that sit outside of our comfort zone arise.
“One of the talks I give the girls is about your ‘line of perceived ability’. We talk about how you might think that your line of perceived ability is here. If you try this new thing that is over that line, and you don’t reach all the way there, but you reach part way you move your line a little bit further out. That line doesn’t come back. It’s not elastic, it doesn’t snap back, that line stays out.
“So once you’ve spoken in front of 100 people, you spoke in front of hundred people, no one can take that away. It might not have been 1000 people but it was 100. That is what you know you’re capable of doing.
“So I guess my advice to people around stepping out of their comfort zone is yes, 100%: do it. But the more you can spend time and effort really developing a solid understanding of yourself and your strengths and passion points, then when you have the opportunity to expand the line further and further out. So eventually so many more things are IN your comfort zone!”
Awesome advice Tanya!
A bit about Tanya:
Originating from regional QLD (Yeppoon) Tanya Meessmann is an internationally-experienced Communications, Branding and Film professional and the founder of Girl Shaped Flames: a Brisbane-based organisation connecting Secondary girls with Extraordinary Women across a variety of industries for experiential opportunities that help them identify the fire within and break through limitations to reach their full potential. Over the past 2 years months she has connected over 2500 girls, parents and educators with over 170 strong, female role models through more than 80 live events across the state.
