Category: Learning New Skills

Remember Your Why

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Story by me (Fiona) based on an interview with Tessa

I heard Tessa speak recently and I immediately found (stalked?) her online and asked if she was willing to be interviewed for this blog. To my excitement she agreed – and the interview did not disappoint me! 

Tessa believes that stepping out of your comfort zone helps you grow. And that sometimes you need to do it to get where you want to be in life. 

“I’d worked in marketing for some time, probably for about 10 years of my career. My comfort zone got pushed, but I’d say moderately, such as when you learn a new role you step up.  

“I had this conversation with my GM of HR at Spark Digital. And she said, ‘What is your ambition? Where do you want to go?’ And told her that one day I’d love to be a CEO of kind of moderate sized organization. ‘I’m trying to work out the skills I need to get there. And I think I need more commercial skills.’ 

“And you know, that moment where you put something out into the universe, but you never expect anyone to act on it? Probably within about three days, she came up to me: ‘We’ve had this business manager resign in our enterprise sales team, one of the sales managers, I’m putting you up for the role’.” 

Tessa wondered what she could add as the leader of a team much more experienced than she was, particularly in sales. But her GM encouraged her (strongly!) to take the jump, to get those skill she needs. There was a full interview process and testing, and Tessa got the job! 

Her new boss told Tessa that she needed a marketer in sales, a big thinker. Someone to shake up her leadership team. 

The announcement of her new role – alongside an internal promotion announced at the same time – was really hard “It was deathly silent, you could have heard a pin drop. And then there were a couple of people who knew me from marketing who started to click. This was the most embarrassing moment of my life. I was taking on sales in a big portfolio. And I had a room of 80 people who had no idea who I was and were confused as to why a marketer was given one of the most preeminent positions in sales.” 

Tessa realised that she needed to focus on coaching her team as a leader, not trying to coach them in sales. This she realised would stand her in good stead as a CEO – after all you cannot be the expert in all aspects of the company you run. 

It was not easy! “About the 10-week mark, I had a complete meltdown. I didn’t know how to coach these people. They were much older. They were older than me, and more experienced than me in sales. I ended up back in my GM of HRs office in floods of tears. And with my GM of Sales basically picking me up off the floor because I said ‘I can’t do this, I have to leave. I’m not the person you need. I’m not doing anything.’ And they quickly got support around me. They listened and then said, ‘Okay, so how do we move forward?’  

“And they gave me a leadership coach who helped me to separate fact from myth. I had a whole lot of language in my head. I suppose that voice that you talk to yourself with was really highly critical. And that voice kept saying to me, ‘you’re getting this wrong and you don’t know that, you don’t know this’, and I couldn’t hear the things that people were actually saying to me. I had a person on my team, who said to me ‘You’re a breath of fresh air. You just bring something different. I love watching you in front of customers.’ And I couldn’t hear that I could only hear. ‘I don’t know what to tell them to sell and I don’t understand the system well enough to sell it.’ 

“My coach helped me to grow my understanding. ‘Listen to the voice in your head and write down what it says and then see if there is any data that supports it. Is there anybody said that directly to you? Is there anything that backs it up?’ and then ‘Okay, now write down the facts. What are people saying to you?’ Understand that difference between fact and myth. 

The lessons Tessa learned in her first 12 months – that it is ok to ask for help, and that sometimes you don’t know what help you need until you hit rock bottom being two of those lessons – aided her in putting up her hand when Spark Digital decided to go Agile. 

“I learned at that point that ambiguity is fine. And I don’t know what I don’t know and no one else does either. So we’re going to learn and I think the year of sales had taught me how to learn again, taught me how to walk into something that’s really uncomfortable and realize you’re going to be okay. My husband said to me at one point ‘What’s the worst that can happen? You leave sales and get another job? Is that so bad? You know, there are worse things.’ 

“And sometimes I think we compare up too much. We imagine if this was better, or if only this was like this. Instead [we could be] saying ‘at least it’s not like this. I haven’t got an illness, at least I’m not struggling to make ends meet at the moment. I’ve had a successful career so far’. And I think sometimes comparing down is a really helpful technique to make you realize that you’re okay.  You’re just learning, and learning can be uncomfortable when you’ve been really good at knowing everything. 

“It did fundamentally shift me as a person and my ability to then take on the next challenge, and to now help other people take on bigger challenges.” 

Finally, Tessa advises to remember why you are doing what you are doing. What your north star is. That can help in tough times. 

Thank you Tessa for sharing your story with us! 

About Tessa:

As Product Director Tessa is responsible for designing and delivering products and service experiences that customers value. Tessa is also responsible for shaping Spark’s investments and maturing capability in digital, IT, data and experience design to deliver on future business needs. 

She joined Spark in November 2015 as the Manager of Brand, Communications and Events for Spark Digital before moving on to become Business Manager. In 2017, Tessa joined the team that was responsible for successfully transitioning Spark into an Agile organisation, and is regarded as one of New Zealand’s leading Agile and product development practitioners. 

Tessa brings to the role more than 16 years of experience in information and communication technologies, having previously held a variety of roles at Vodafone New Zealand. She has a Diploma in Communications Studies from Manukau Institute of Technology. 

Stepping onto the stage

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Words by me (Fiona) based on an interview with Vikki

For most people becoming the lead singer in a rock band qualifies as an experience where they would have to step way out of their comfort zone.   Vikki spoke to me recently about doing just that. 

A classically trained singer, Vikki felt no longer excited by what her singing was offering her. Serendipitously there was a rock school being run near her home and she decided to investigate. “I spoke to this chap who was running a Rock School. He was running a little Rock School in his studio in his house. It sounds bizarre, but it happened to be near where I lived, where you would never think there would be rock studios anyway. We had a good chat. He was classically trained as well. So, he understood where I was coming from. You need to get to a point where you enjoy what you’re doing not just to get the grades and improve. I was excited, so I signed up to take the lessons that he was offering through the school. I met this cool guy who’d worked with Wendy Matthews. He was just absolutely awesome. So, I did some work with him, and then I was able to go into the little rock group that was there at this school, which was tiny.” 

And guess what? That is not even Vikki out of her comfort zone – that moment came when she decided to audition for the Weekend Warriors! 

Weekend Warriors auditioned people and then grouped them into bands – so 20 people would become 4 or 5 bands. It was being run by Paul Christie from Mondo Rock. 

“So, what took me out of my comfort zone, getting to the point where I could consider crossing its boundaries was, I guess, that I was no longer stimulated with these other things. I was looking for something else. I was also thinking how old am I going to be before I suddenly become courageous? I wish I had done this in my 20s. At what point do I know? Am I going to be 75 and then be ready? I started searching for answers on the internet regarding the meaning of life. I found this article and there were about five or six things on there. So, the first one was kind of ‘tick, I’m doing that’. Two was ‘tick, yeah, I’m doing that.’ I got to number four or five? And it said, ‘where are you making a fool of yourself?’ And the seventh one was something like ‘and how are you changing the world?’ They really resonated. And I went ‘well, I think this is it.’ I’m looking at having a midlife crisis, deciding I need to find my courage at some point and find this article telling me that I should be out there making a fool of myself. So here I am. This is it. This is what I’ve got to do. I remember sitting in the car waiting to go in and just absolutely terrified, and then I did it.” 

Vikki was very nervous, and as she sang during the audition, Paul looked deep into her eyes and held her hand. She was placed in a band and after 4 weeks of rehearsals they put on a show! Was the audition or the show more nerve racking? The audition was scarier, but the show was also terrifying. Vikki got more comfortable over time, even when she was occasionally off pitch. 

We discussed whether this step outside Vikki’s comfort zone impacted other areas of her life, and she isn’t sure! A whole lot of change all happened around the same time. 

She did learn though. “I think I spent too many years thinking you can only be a singer, for example, if you are making number one records in the charts.   So, I never saw a place for me or the journey there. I think that just giving this a go, taught me to ‘just give it a go’ in general.   And it’s the only way to move forward.   But I think I was always waiting to be amazing before. Don’t wait for amazing. That’s it.   Don’t wait for amazing.”  

Just as we were finishing off the interview Vikki had another important insight she wanted to share – the importance of having fun! “I think one of the other insights or lessons I’ve got is the having fun part.   My journey has included singing in this rock studio tucked away near where I live, then to go into this Golf Club, rock school shows, and I’ve been to Frankie’s in the city with my own band. And so, I feel like I’ve done that, without doing sort of a stadium. I’ve had a big enough taste. The more my band hit these goals, the less fun I was having. So suddenly, the fun elements weren’t there anymore, which I find interesting. I actually had more fun towards the middle. The key message for me is do things for fun, not for gain.   Do it because you love it, do it for fun, do the fun bits of it. Hitting Frankie’s was ‘my ego’s in here now because we’re doing Frankie’s’, but I just didn’t get anything out of it. I didn’t enjoy it. Yeah, a tick in the box, but I didn’t enjoy it. At the same time all these good things were happening for me. I was having leadership coaching, getting the role as a coach, moving into this new space. I feel more connected with the people around me than I ever have. Gee, I didn’t think I was really having a lot of fun at work until I moved into this role. Now it’s become part of my mantra, because if I’m having fun, then I am going to be at my best. And that, I’d say is a lesson that’s gone across both the hobby as well as work. Come to think of it, the one change that’s gone across both my hobby and work and that I proudly call one of my superpowers is  

“the courage to step into the void and trust it”. 

Vikki is currently writing and recording her own music which she realises will not be amazing and she is totally ok with that, because it’s precisely this activity that brings her the most joy 

Thanks Vikki! 

Words of Wisdom

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Words by me (Fiona) based on an interview with Niall

Niall is a frequent leaver of his comfort zone, but writing a book was something very new for him so we chatted about that. 

Why a book? “It’s a big commitment to myself, and the community where I was noticing a lot of people were having quite opinionated conversations about things they said were important to them. And I was engaging in that and getting involved. At some point it became clear that it’d be useful, given my experience, to take a bit of a bigger step in and get that opinion documented as opposed to sitting and sort of throwing ‘throw away’ comments. 

“[Also] with some recent work activities it became evident that I’d gone through quite a unique experience. If it could be distilled and articulated for others to understand and appreciate, and learn from, that would be of good value to serve those around me.” 

I wondered if Niall knew just how far out of his comfort zone he would get before he started writing? “If I had known at the time the effort, energy and commitment it would take I might have paused a touch, but I think that’s the whole point. Often you leap in intuitively to do things. They feel right for you, so you leap into the unknown. I think that’s sort of part of the excitement. And then you work it out as you go.” 

Niall shared with me some of the tough times – he feels he has just come through one of the turbulent periods where “I think with any large complex undertaking this there’s this moment where you really do feel completely lost. And you’re right in the middle of that highly ambiguous, I used to call them ‘the upside down without the paddle in the creek after canoeing’, phase, where you don’t know which way is up and you’re in the turbulence of trying to settle down. You don’t quite know what the next step is. Or you take a step and realize it’s in the wrong direction and you have to undo that step or pivot left or right, which can be frustrating. I’m confident that I’m past that now, the previous six weeks have been that period.” 

The thing that got Niall through that phase was the approach he had taken from the start – test and learn often and early. “Risk the voice of cynicism, the voice of judgment, on what I’m putting out there”. 

Of course, I asked for Niall’s advice to anyone considering a step out of their comfort zone – small or large: “You need people who can give you your temperature check because you’re the frog in the bath and the temperature is slowly rising. So, you need someone to say it’s getting pretty hot around you and you’re going to cook yourself. Someone who’s close to you can call you on it.  

“I think you need to really deeply assess the reasons that you’re doing the things you’re doing. Have a conversation with yourself – ask who is this serving? It’s okay if it’s serving you. But helping and serving others is something that is not only very rewarding, it gets people quite interested in, and involved in, any idea you have. Simply pursuing it for selfish reasons is something I’d check in with. Having people around you checking while you’re doing it. And do not go into a room for a month and sit around thinking you’ve got a great idea. Talk to someone five minutes after you think you’ve got that idea and test it. And then keep doing that as often as make sense because if your throwing your heart and soul and energy into something I think getting feedback early and often is a great way to just make sure you don’t waste your time and energy and effort.” 

And Niall’s last words: 
“I think if we can keep our world expanding, even in a very, very small way, it is what we’re here to be as humans. I don’t think we’re here to be shrinking smaller people. No matter how small, it might be scary for you, but take the steps to stretch and get out of your comfort zone. Understanding it takes energy and commitment and support network but really, I do think we’re here to reach our potential and to do that you need to get near the edge or sometimes over the line that defines where you’re comfortable. So keep doing it.” 

A bit about Niall:
I work as an agent of change, promoting agility through education, coaching and modelling of new behaviours.

I disrupt inefficient as-is practices using a gentle but influential consulting approach that embeds new values and principles of work. My goal being the development of a high-performing sustainable lean-agile delivery culture.

I am always about results and have been a coach my whole working life, firstly in professional sports, then leadership and for the last 10 years, agile transformation. Coaching is the core capability which supports the advisor/consultant roles I perform.

My work centres around guiding clients towards the establishment of new enterprise lean-agile delivery models; it is tough but rewarding work; I love it and the challenges it presents.

Dealing our way out of our comfort zones

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Flying!
Not drowning!

My friend and I make deals.  

“If you bungy swing with me, I will river board with you” type of deals. 

We recently went to Queenstown NZ together, and the deal above was made. I am the bungy swing fan, she really wanted to do the river boarding. So we made our deal. 

After my first helicopter ride (not out of my comfort zone at all – it was amazing!), next on our agenda was the bungy swing. I was excited, I had done both a bungy jump (at Victoria Falls) and a swing (Cairns) before and loved them. Cilla was terrified.  

To get to the jumping point we went up the mountain in a gondola, which made her physically ill. At this stage I was telling her she was free from our deal. But her response was that me getting out of my comfort zone so often was inspiring and she wanted to do it. I felt I had to point out that I did not make myself sick doing it, but she was determined to go ahead! 

She wanted to get it done ASAP, so we took a seat at the entrance gate, 15 mins before they opened, to ensure we were first in line. She was so terrified. Which to be honest helped my nerves, looking after someone else always distracts me. The staff took pity on us sitting on the bottom step like children and opened up a few minutes early. 

To cut a long (and amusing!) story short, Cilla did the bungy swing. She pulled the cord on 3 (counting down from 5) and screamed the entire swing. And kept her eyes closed. The staff were supportive, funny and helpful. And she is glad she did it, but has zero desire to do it ever again.  Unlike me who would have done it again right away. 

Which leads us to my part of the deal. 10km down a river on a boogie board, including multiple sets of rapids (including one called ‘man eater’). I can swim, but lack experience with boogie boards, flippers and rapids. 

After safety instructions, being fitted with wetsuits, booties and helmets, and being driven to the starting point, we climbed down to the river. I was already out of my comfort zone! 
 
A quick demo of the key skills we needed and in we clambered – some of us (me!) less than elegantly.  

Next we had to practice these new skills. I was terrible! I could do the turns, but the kicking technique needed to fight the current was pretty much beyond me. So when we were offered a ‘ride’ (aka the guide holding onto our boogie board) out of the first eddy, I took the offer. 
 
“Sweetheart” (as he asked to be called) held on to both our boards and kicked for both of us to get into the centre of the river. He briefly let go after that, and then for my own safety decided he would keep hanging on through the rapids. I was very grateful! 
 
You may be wondering how having the guide help me through the rapids was out of my comfort zone? Aside from the physical discomfort of holding onto the boogie board so tight I had cramps in my hands, and the icy cold river, I felt totally out of control the whole time! I had faceful after faceful of water. I was disoriented and confused through most of the rapids. I didn’t know which way I was meant to head. I also had the knowledge that I had signed up to do something I was physically unable to do, and felt bad that the guide had to assist me so much.  
 
Sweetheart reassured me that I was not the worst. And I found out later that the others had also had assistance at times. But still. I had underestimated the skill required to river board. And I was very uncomfortable accepting the help I required. Probably a good lesson for me there! 

The good news was that the rapids are all in the first 5km of the 10km stretch of river we surfed. And I only needed a small amount of help in the second half of the trip – an occasional pull out of an eddy. The second half I would happily do again. 

Like Cilla and the bungy swing – I am really glad I did it, but am happy not to do it again! 

We have decided to return to Queenstown, we had such a great time, and I didn’t get to paraglide, parasail or do a bungy jump!

Adapting your way out of your comfort zone

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Words by Fiona based on an interview with Laura
Image courtesy of Laura

Starting your own business is scary. Quitting your corporate job to do so is scary. Starting an adaptive clothing business when the last time you sewed was for a grade four butterfly project which left you traumatised? Terrifying! 

Adaptive clothing is designed to be easily worn by people who have difficulty with traditional clothing – possibly due to a disability or age – and uses items like Velcro or magnets for fastening instead of buttons and zips. It is easy to wear, and does already exist in Australia… but Laura saw a gap in the market when it came to “beautiful clothing that can be worn by everyone”. 

Laura has always had an interest in fashion, and really wanted to make a positive difference in the world. 

This is really new for Laura – she started at the beginning of August! At this stage she is feeling really excited! She has entered a Venture Cup at her old Uni, and will hopefully get into the finalists. 

Laura is an old hand at leaving her comfort zone. “I guess I just want to try new things. Probably my first major stepping out of my comfort zone was when I was 15 years old. I was just reading a magazine and I saw this amazing school called the Green School in Bali. And it’s in built entirely from bamboo, and it’s in a rain forest, next to a river. And I talked to my parents and they said ‘if you organize it all you can go.’ That was the worst mistake ever. Because I actually organized it! I contacted friends of friends, I organized passports, visas, accommodation transport to and from school, vaccinations, like a million different things. And I stayed with a Balinese family there.” 

The best part of stepping out of your comfort zone according to Laura is being able to challenge what you think you are capable of. “If you stay in your little bubble you are not going to learn much”. 

If you are considering a step out of your comfort zone, Laura suggests “find someone you trust and talk to them about it is. Because there’s a lot of people out there who are happy to mentor and help. And they’ll be able to provide you with feedback or ideas, that sort of thing.” 

Laura started this year fighting major depression and anxiety. What a year she is having!  

When I summarised back to Laura all she had shared with me, I loved the glow on her face.  

I can’t wait to hear what she gets up to next! 

The Other Side of Yes

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Words by me (Fiona) based on an interview with Natalie Peters

Imagine taking on a challenge that was completely out of your comfort zone, a role that was totally new to you and largely unknown by many people in your company. A role that instantly opened you up to criticism and conflict in ways you weren’t really anticipating. That was the position Natalie Peters found herself in when she took on the task to lead the ways of working transformation at Telstra. In her words ‘I think in every possible way, professionally, and personally, the last 2 years has pushed me outside of my comfort zone’.

Belief is a topic that came up several times in my conversation with Nat, including why she persisted to get the results we can now see in Telstra as it clearly wasn’t easy. ‘What kept me going was the belief that it was the right thing to do for Telstra and for our people. Even though at times people were resisting the change and were afraid of what it meant, my belief in it overall being the best for our company was always strong’.

Other things that kept Nat believing in pushing forward: ‘Changing a large complex organisation isn’t easy and is never a lone mission. I had an amazing team of people to work with and as we experimented with how we adapt ways of working in the company, the momentum grew and grew. That gave me hope that more people believed and I was in fact on the right path. And the other thing was being able to talk quite openly about what was going well and equally what wasn’t going so well, being open to talk about the learnings was really important along the way. I think I learnt so much more from what didn’t work well than from what did. In a strange way, that builds belief. Personally, I didn’t do the things you should do. I should have been focused on looking after myself a little more so didn’t do meditation, I didn’t exercise, I also didn’t sleep much or take care of myself. I don’t recommend that! I am just saying I personally didn’t do any of that and I really should have.’

As you can imagine, Nat learnt a lot while being so far out of her comfort zone ‘I think with the benefit of hindsight, I got more and more comfortable as my knowledge grew. On reflection I do think I went too fast at particular times. So what I’ve learned is, it’s all well and good to have a vision in your mind as to the end goal but you have to bring people along with you at the same pace. Everyone working in this new way is in some respect outside of their comfort zone, its all new! So checking in with people is really important to make sure they feel prepared to adapt to the changes. That’s the resistance you get as the answers aren’t always clear so it does make people more anxious than in perhaps more standard transformations.’

I asked Nat about the other benefits of stepping out of her comfort zone ‘whenever anyone asks me what it was like doing this role my answer is always the same – , this has been the best and hardest period in my career. It’s the best now because I can see how special it was and how much people have grown from the experience. I know how much I have been able to grow from this  and I have learnt so much about organisations, supporting people through change, but also about myself. I have to unlearn a lot of things to do this role and I think I am better for it. I would never have known these things if I didn’t go and do something that made me feel unsure of myself. Because in that experience you see the best and the worst of yourself. And it prepares you for whatever’s coming next.’ In Nat’s case next is another big step that will take her to London!

Nat shared with me a specific learning – this is where she talked again about belief. ‘one of the things I did quite early on was running the enterprise leadership meeting with circa 200 of our leaders across the company. And I was trying to teach them some agile tools in a day basically, and I was doing it a very disruptive way solving real company impediments. This was the first moment of stepping out of my comfort zone, I’d been in the job six weeks when I took this task on. I was always determined to be bold. And I was about to get on stage for the first time and the pressure was massive and I remember I was nervous about the event being successful and having the right impact. As I was about to get on stage, I had this moment where I thought ‘How do I be confident?’ And I said to my co-facilitator on the day Dominic Price from Atlassian, ‘How do you have so much confidence when you’re speaking like that?’ And he said, ‘I don’t have confidence it’s belief.’ And it was the first moment where confidence was something different for me. I’d always thought that being confident was the right mindset but actually that was perhaps more about pretending…. Belief however allows you to be vulnerable, more open and connect in a very different way with what you are doing. I know that sounds corny for some people, but during this transformation, everything that tested me has actually given me more overall belief. Because I had belief in what I was doing, I knew what my thresholds were, what my limits were and what I was able to do. I was able to ask for help more openly and I would never have asked for help before because I wanted people to think I was in control and had total confidence. But belief is something deeper and subsequently that created more belief in others that they could trust me and follow me.’

Nat had one last piece of advice: ‘the reason I step outside of your comfort zone is because I am curious. I think life is a massive adventure, made up of a series of adventures. And unless you say yes to things, you will always be stuck in ‘no’ and wondering why things aren’t changing or moving for you. And when I get stuck in the ‘no’ I have no one to blame but myself. And it’s not always the best place to be. And when I am feeling frustrated or disappointed, nine times out of ten I can look back at decisions I’ve made and see that it’s because of a decision I made or didn’t make that has kept me there. And it’s really hard sometimes to say yes, because it’s going to push you. But every time I’ve done that I have looked back and I’ve surprised myself with what I’ve been able to do. And it’s given me so much more in life to keep moving forward to the next adventure. So I guess the other thing I’d say is when you’re when you’re faced with a decision and you’re thinking about it and ‘no’ is the safe answer…. maybe be curious and see what would happen if you actually said yes.’

Thanks Nat!

BIO

Natalie has been in variety of Human Resources roles for the past 21 years across multiple industries including professional services, financial services and telecommunications.

Natalie joined Telstra in 2013 and has led HR teams across multiple parts of the HR  organisation including leading National and International business HR teams.

In January of 2018 Natalie was selected to lead part of Telstra’s transformation to fundamentally change the ways of working across the company with a goal to create a simplified organisation that was enabled to deliver higher quality products and services for customers. The ways of working transformation included leading the agile at scale transformation at Telstra.

Proud to be me!

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Words by me (Fiona) based on an interview with Ali

Ali and I ‘met’ via a Facebook group for Chooks SA. When I reached out to ask for people to share their stories Ali stepped up right away! 

This example of Ali stepping out of her comfort zone was when she began doing Facebook Live video streams. She did it because “I was told I had to, to grow my business! And… more importantly, because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.’’ 

Ali was surprised to find that doing the livestreams helped with her anxiety! ‘’It’s still a work in progress and I’m getting better at them all the time. I’m honestly still quite nervous when I do them but every time, it gets a little less scary. It also helps with my anxiety believe it or not. Each time I do it, it’s like another step forward in the recovery process.’’ 

I asked Ali how this all made her feel ‘’I always get so nervous beforehand that I feel I need to be overprepared. I practice, pre-record myself, make copious notes just in case I forget what I want to say. I primp, preen and make sure I look my best.  

‘’During the live, there are so many things going on in my mind that sometimes it’s hard to think. I feel like I stumble, I look stupid, I’m thinking “is anything I’m even saying making sense?” I get ‘afraid’ that someone will actually log in and watch it live while I’m on! How ironic is that?! It’s a Facebook LIVE! 

“Afterwards, I’m always so relieved it’s over and I watch the replay immediately to see how it went. It’s amazing that each and EVERY time, I always do a much better job than expected. It gives me confidence and fills me with excitement to try again next time.’’ 

As always, I asked Ali for any advice and last words: 

‘’Look it’s scary at first simply because you don’t know what to expect. We build up so many expectations in our own minds of what COULD happen, but in fact, we don’t know until we are brave enough to give it a go. 

‘’I have learnt that stepping out of your comfort zone means making mistakes, but more importantly – it is a learning experience. It helps you grow stronger, more confident in yourself ready for when the next time comes around. 

‘’Once you take that plunge – you are filled with a sense of pride that is indescribable. My advice, in the words of NIKE…….Just Do It! 

‘’I know this sounds cliché, but if there is something you know you need to do but it involves stepping out of your comfort zone – the absolute best thing you can do is just go for it. Sure, you may fumble a bit but we’ve all been there and everyone has to start somewhere. Nobody is perfect and it will feel absolutely amazing when you do.” 

Thank you Ali! 

A bit about Ali 

I am an Empowerment & Success Coach AKA The Motivation Mumma. I help fellow abuse survivors to rediscover their empowered voice, become unapologetically confident, powerhouse women & mothers- because that is who we are! 

I have had 3 separate abusive relationships myself and am proud that I no longer say, “Poor me.” I now say, “I AM PROUD TO BE ME!” I made it through. And I want this for my fellow survivors too. It is my absolute passion to help these ladies feel as amazing as I do. 

The ‘I’m freaking out’ story

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Image from Unsplash (no credit provided)
Words by Brigette

I have a list. It’s called the ‘I’m freaking out story’, and it is a culmination of phrases I used during a single therapy session. The point of the list is to take note every time my mind goes to a thought that is similar to these phrases, and to recognise it.  So, what is on the list you ask? As you would expect, they are negative thoughts towards myself. The eye opening one for me was ‘Losing control is failure’.  

I have never considered myself a ‘control freak’. I was a happy, hardworking, glass is half full kind of person. I woke up with purpose, I lived by my morals, I slept soundly at night. I had never considered a need to go to therapy. I had been through ups and downs sure, but generally I considered my life to be on an upwards trajectory. And then I had a nervous breakdown. 

The details of what triggered this are unimportant. What you need to know is that stress is cumulative. It stacks up. Every one of us is carrying a pile of stress. Stress from things that might be years old. And your pile keeps growing. It grows when you don’t acknowledge and release it. 

See most of us come across something stressful, and we either run from it, or we try and tackle it by breaking it down. Neither works. And this is where my control issue comes in.  

Somewhere along the way my stress started building rather than releasing. And as my pile of stress grew larger, I tried to tackle it head on. My weapon of choice – control. If I can control my environment I can manage my stress.  If I can have all the information, I can control it and manage it. If I can analyse the hell out of it, and think of every single worst-case possible scenario, I can plan for all outcomes, and then I can control it. 

As I got older, my stresses became heavier. Career choices, I became a parent, my partner went through cancer, financial stresses, family, friends – the stress list was long, and heavy. And the more there were, the more I tried to control them. I was walking around with never ending lists in my head, constantly seeking out information and planning, planning, planning.  

Soon, my need to control things started creeping in to controlling those around me. I wanted to keep them safe and happy. I wanted to prepare for all scenarios. So, I needed information all the time. I over observed to sense any changes in their behaviour or language. I over communicated. It was exhausting, both for them and me.  

I became completely unable to deal with ambiguity. And the really scary thing is that I did not consciously recognise any of this. I didn’t realise what I was doing.  I knew that I had stress and anxiety at times. I knew that I was an avid communicator. I knew I was tired a lot. I put it all down to being a full time working mum that had been through some stuff and really needed a break. 

The fact is that stress is cumulative. It can manifest itself in lots of different damaging ways, both mentally and physically. And while it is very easy to say I have lived through some really tough situations and it isn’t my fault I got to the point of breaking, the simple fact is that the only thing any of us can ever control is ourselves. 

It is not easy to turn back the tide on being a ‘control freak’. I spent years slowly building those habits up. They created a framework within me of what I thought was protection. And now I need to tear them down. I need to face ambiguity and embrace it. I need to focus on first understanding what self-care looks like for me, and then taking proactive steps to do it. And I need to acknowledge to myself that I can only control me, and I need to let go of owning other people’s choices and actions. 

When all of this seems really hard, and like I am fighting against my own sense of self, I remember a very simple thing my therapist told me. Pain is inevitable, suffering isn’t. All of the lists and planning and information gathering were fuelling my own anxiety and creating suffering that did not even need to exist. All I need to know is that if and when something happens, I have the tools within myself, and the strength to face it. Until then, I do not need to make myself suffer. It does not serve me, and I am in complete control of that. 

A few learnings to finish: 

  1. Sometimes we need to change – a belief, habit, opinion. These things can build up within us over time and cause negative effects. What is important is being ok with changing. 
  1. There is nothing wrong with needing help. I never thought I would go to a therapist – but for a few months I did – and they gave me the tools I needed to right the ship. 
  1. Mindfulness seems to be the key to all paths of good. Focus on the present, listen to yourself, breathe. 
  1. And for those wondering how you deal with stress if you don’t run from it and you don’t tackle it… You acknowledge it and then let it go. That is the answer. It all comes back to control. 

Brigette Norton