Tag: #confidence

Love and my body

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Photo by Ebony at https://www.erboudoir.com/

This is an email I sent to Ebony (link above) after a photo shoot that exceeded all my expectations!

This is a story about a personal step out of my comfort zone. A photo shoot that was designed to have me look sexy. I had agreed to ‘implied nudity’. Something I was always going to do ‘when I got to my goal weight’. Then I saw Ebony’s add on a facebook page and decided it was time. Life is too short!

Hi Ebony,

I’ve been thinking ever since I saw the photos about how to explain to you how much they mean to me.

So I apologise for the long email in advance. I want to share the history so you understand a bit of how I feel.

I first remember being size conscious in my early teens. A family friend (a man in his early thirties at the time) made a comment about it.

Actually in primary school dad asked if FT on my art smock stood for ‘fat tummy’. I recall that so vividly. Fat was such a negative term to me.

I started my first diet at 16.

I dieted from then until about 4 years ago. I was either dieting or feeling guilty for not dieting. All the time. Every day. For years.

My weight yoyo’d and always ended up higher than it started.

For 30 years I fought my body. I felt like a failure. I hated my fat. I hated how I looked. 


I didn’t let it stop me from doing things, but I would be self-conscious a lot of the time.


Then I met the amazing Zoe who became my dietitian due to food intolerances. It was she who introduced me to healthy at every size (HAES).

Over the next 3 years I gradually started to accept my body. Accept its size and appreciate what it could do for me. Accept that I was not one of the 5% of people for whom diets worked. Accept that focusing on health and fitness was a much better option.


I stopped feeling as self conscious. I stopped wanting to diet. The scale shared a number that was more like a shoe size than a horror film.But I never expected to love my body.


Then your photos came through.


And I LOVED how my body looked. Even my belly as I arched my back in one of the photos I purchased. It looked sexy. I looked sexy.

I never thought I would like the photos of me that you took, I did it for the experience.  I was wrong. Looking through your proofs I was loving how my body looked for the first time I can ever remember! Even when I dieted myself into a size 8 I did not love my body!


What you did for me is something I will be forever grateful for. It is life changing.


Thank you is not enough, but I will say it again anyway.


Thank you.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I want to add that I expected to find one, maybe 2 photos that I didn’t hate.
I purchased 30, that I love! I could have purchased more!

A Do-Over

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Words by Rhea
Image by me (Fiona)

Have you ever wanted a do-over?

Rhea took advantage of a second shot at University to do just that!

Please see below Rhea’s answers to my questions about her experience.

Tell me about a time you stepped out of your comfort zone?

In 2015 I re-entered University to get a second shot at my first year. A series of crises in the previous year forced me to take an unexpected hiatus, but since most people don’t get do-overs and second chances, I decided to use it as an opportunity to better myself and grow out of this shy persona I had cultivated for myself. I privately made a resolution to myself that I was going to initiate a conversation with at least 5 people and try to exchange phone numbers. 

Why did you do it?

Back in high-school, I found myself getting increasingly shyer and it was beginning to cripple me. It slowly began to erode my self-confidence and affected how I presented myself. I walked hunched over with my head down, arms crossed over my chest and with my voice thin to a permanent whisper. I wanted to take the first steps to improve myself, and since University was a fresh start, I thought that was the perfect opportunity. I realize now that this manner of presenting myself was just a reflection of the inner turmoil I was experiencing.

What was the outcome?

It was not only a big step for me that made me feel accomplished, but it got easier each time. It was through that experience that I met my longstanding best friend through Uni, Beth. Of course, much of the relationships I initially began fizzled out naturally. But since I was able to initiate far more than the 5 that I set out to do, I was able to meet so many people and begin many new friendships.

How did you feel before, during and after?

Before taking the very first step, I was obviously afraid. The thought of being soundly rejected repeated itself in my head and initially made my anxiety much worse. But I pushed through anyways. I started small, practicing putting myself at ease in conversation, not answering with one-word answers and asking follow-ups that would continue conversation. Most importantly, when a conversation was cut off short and those feelings of rejection began creeping up, I reminded myself not to take it personally and just continue accomplishing my goal. It got easier to do as time went on because whenever anxiety started rearing its ugly head, I simply reminded myself of all the times I was successful, and that voice of doubt was immediately disproven. After all was said and done, I felt immensely proud of myself. I was proud of the fact that I was able to see something in myself and—rather than beat myself up for it— work to improve it.  

Would you step out of your comfort zone again? Why? (Or why not?)

I would absolutely do it again. I still consider myself quite shy, even though a lot of people think of me as confident. I’ve found the feedback I’ve gotten quite reaffirming as well. My ultimate goal in life is to be absolutely fearless and try most things that scare me, and there’s no way to accomplish that without stepping out of my comfort zone every now and then. I even managed to take the stage to sing for some open mic nights during University. That isn’t something I’d come close to doing had I not taken that initial small step.

What did you learn from being out of your comfort zone?

The experience taught me that many of my fears were overblown. Even if I did experience the “downsides” like rejection, it wasn’t as bad as my imagination made it seem and I’d feel much worse never having tried. Not trying felt like giving up on myself and reaffirmed that negative perception I had of myself. Stepping out of my comfort zone was my way of telling myself that I fundamentally don’t believe my negative qualities exist and that I know I’m fully capable of trying at the very least. 

What advice would you give to someone considering stepping out of their comfort zone?

Break up a big goal into small steps. If your resolution is to do a standup routine on open mic night, think of all the smaller skills that entails: being able to speak in crowds, being able to deliver your thoughts confidently, thinking on your feet, not taking bombing personally. Building up these smaller skills will make accomplishing the next thing you set out to do much easier, and it culminates in the ability to conquer larger tasks that used to faze you.

Rhea Henry now works as a copy writer for sites like Rank-It.ca and hopes to someday publish her own work.

Cowgirl or Lumberjack?

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There is a fine line between cowgirl and lumberjack.

When I get an invitation to a party I get slightly anxious. I am not a huge fan of crowds of people. But I get over it pretty quickly. Mainly as parties at my age tend to be milestones you don’t want to miss!

But sometimes the invitation arrives with a theme… and we are asked to dress to match it.

That is when my heart sinks.

As a plus sized woman with slight social anxiety I want to either fit in or look so amazing I have the confidence to stand out.

As a plus sized woman at a themed party that becomes almost impossible.

I learned early in life that you can’t go half way if you are dressing up, if you do that you don’t fit in or look good.

So, I start picturing outfits. And my friends excitedly send me their outfits (if my friends are reading this please don’t ever stop doing that, I love seeing what you are wearing).

And I get a picture in my head of what I might wear.

Then I try to match what I can buy to that picture.

In todays case the theme was country and western. In my head I had cute cowgirl. Denim skirt, paisley blouse, boots, and a hat. Or maybe a dress with the boots and hat?

I have a hat and boots already – tick!

In my local shopping centre there are only a few shops that stock size 18-20, so I decided to see what I could find at lunchtime.

I quickly ruled out the denim skirt idea, soon followed by the dress.

But that was ok, I look good in jeans and it should be easy to find a suitable top. Right?

No luck with the paisley. But look – a cute pink checked shirt over there! Oh, it only goes up to size 14.

Next shop.

A pink checked shirt in my size! But it was heavy flannel. And I am going through menopause. Sweaty cowgirl was not the look.

Next shop.

A black and white checked flannel shirt (lightweight). Tick

My jeans. Tick

My hat. Tick

Boots. Tick

I now have an outfit to wear that fits the brief.

But looking in the mirror there seems to be a fine line between cowgirl and lumberjack.

Maybe I will keep shopping.

Genuine Confidence

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Photo by Kane Reinholdtsen on Unsplash
Story by Fiona based on an interview with Beresford

So how do you go from being a really shy kid to wanting to speak in an auditorium? Beresford has taken that very path!  

As an example of Beresford’s starting point, at about age 20 he was the best man at his cousins wedding, and as we all know part of the best man role is to give a speech. Despite preparing his speech, and knowing his cousin quite well, Beresford “just froze and I couldn’t even open my mouth. I just stood there, and it seemed endless. I just didn’t say anything. In the end I ended up saying ‘the bridesmaids look good’. And I walked off. Those are the only words that came out of my mouth. And it was really embarrassing.” 

At this point many people would just decide public speaking was not for them! But Beresford was motivated to improve. His dad was an excellent and sought after public speaker – both rehearsed and off the cuff.  After some research it was suggested that Beresford try Toastmasters.  And a mere 15-20 years later he joined. 

Through Toastmasters Beresford has not just gained confidence, but also skill. His first speech “didn’t come out the way I wanted it to, it was kind of bland. There wasn’t a lot of energy.” 

Beresford is working on bringing out his personality more when he speaks, he is motivated to keep getting better and better at public speaking, as well as his goal to speak to an audience of over 1000 people. 

Part of the motivation for Beresford, aside from wanting to improve himself, is to help other people develop as well. “I’m one of the mentors for the Melbourne University programme. I’m one of the panel members, helping young people develop their capabilities and skills. It’s not only for myself, but it’s also for others that I try to share my knowledge.” 

Beresford also spoke to me about how building his confidence in public speaking has made him more confident to take on other challenges. 

In 2019 Beresford was one of the new Ways of Working coaches at Telstra, a role you had to put in an expression of interest for. “Being a coach involves changing people’s mindset. Which is not easy to do. It’s a different aspect of your confidence, because previously it’s being confident to go up and speak in front of a group of people, but now it’s actually speaking to a person individually, and changing that person’s mindset.  

“The way I’ve handled things in the past was someone’s got their mindset, and I just told them what my opinions are. And it’s up to them to change if they wanted to. But now being in the Agile ways of working, and the company has gone in a certain direction, it’s more that I have to make sure they are moving in that direction.” 

The rewards of coaching can also be more delayed than giving a speech – one example Beresford gave me was working with someone for 6 weeks before having a breakthrough “After six weeks, they said ‘oh yeah, I can start to see the benefits. Now even though we are building code, we can still talk to our colleagues every day for about 15 minutes. And at least try and understand what the blockers are and we can remove those blockers’”. 

Beresford had an interesting take away from that experience “And what I realised was, if you tell someone once, it kind of goes in one ear and out the other. But if you keep telling them the same thing, they start to believe it. So, if I tell someone, ‘you’re an idiot’? First time, it’s just goes in and out. But if I keep telling them the same thing over and over again, they start to believe it.” Makes you think about what messages we are putting out there. 

Confidence was a common theme throughout Beresford’s chat with me, but he also talked about being genuine. “People need to be able to trust you. Because you can have all the confidence in the world, right? If you go to a car yard, the car salesman has got a lot of confidence, but I don’t trust them. So you may have the confidence but you still have to be genuine. People can pick that up pretty easily.” 

If you are considering stepping out of your comfort zone, Beresford has some advice for you: “Know your weaknesses and don’t procrastinate – commit!” 

About Beresford:
Beresford is a fellow Ways of Working coach at Telstra. He is also passionately involved at Toastmasters