Tag: #personalgrowth

Passion and Purpose

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Words by me (Fiona) based on an interview with Kylie
Image by me

Kylie learned the hard way that ‘following your passion’ is not always the path to happiness.

In her case, stepping out of her comfort zone career-wise seemed like the antidote for her lifelong battle with depression and anxiety.

“From early on I assumed that my emotional state was a product of my life circumstances. I dreamed of leaving the small country town I’d grown up in and moving to the city so I could finally be in control of my choices. And that’s pretty much what I did. I went to uni and picked up couple of part-time jobs. I worked really, really hard to acquire all the things that I thought would make me happy – a successful career as a radiographer, dream home, classic car, designer things, great social life and heaps of friends.  Essentially, all the things that the advertising agents tell you will make you happy. But the thing is, none of these material acquisitions changed anything about my life. I was still completely hollow and empty on the inside. 

“And that was devastating. I kept thinking, perhaps it’s just because I haven’t met the love of my life or I haven’t found the career of my dreams. There were no contenders on the romance front, so I decided that the one thing I could control was my career.  So I went looking for something that I thought would make my heart sing. And that’s when an opportunity arose to set up a decorative metal finishes business. It felt like my destiny. So I literally took the leap of faith and left my secure and stable career behind.

“My foray into the architectural and design industry was exciting at first. Unfortunately, after six years of pouring all my resources into this business, it failed. I lost a lot of money and it broke me emotionally. What I couldn’t understand was why. My decision felt so right at the beginning. I thought it was what I really wanted to do. 

“In hindsight, I realised that I’d made the all-too-common mistake of following a passion rather than my purpose.

“As far as how I dealt with it, I don’t know that I did. I felt like such a failure and fell into a deep depression. To cope, I simply kept putting one foot in front of the other. I felt too embarrassed to go back to my old career. I took some time out and did simple, odd jobs that were offered to me.

“More and more, I wanted to understand why things had gone so wrong when they had felt so right. I wanted to know what was wrong with me, why I wasn’t satisfied and why I couldn’t enjoy the simple pleasures in life.  So I started searching. I did lots of courses, workshops, retreats, and that sort of thing to try and work out what was missing. This continued for a good 16 years.”

To cut to the chase, Kylie did find her purpose.  The full story, she says, takes two days to tell properly.

In the essence of time, she had this to share about passion and purpose.

“What people don’t realise is that purpose and passion play two really different roles in your life.  You can have many passions, but only one true purpose.

Passions are the things you thoroughly enjoy doing because they make you feel good. They are very much driven by emotion and thus can fluctuate depending on your mood. In that way they are really quite self-serving. Passions, however, are essential because they help create work life balance, particularly in the face of challenges.

“Your purpose is your contribution to humanity and allows you to serve others in the way that only you can. It can be defined as a combination of your unique skills, talents and life experiences.

“And it’s only through living your purpose that you ever find fulfillment and meaning.

Thank you Kylie!

Kylie Attwell is an author, content curator and facilitator for self-transformation. Her skills and services take a multi-disciplinary approach based on the latest therapeutic modalities and brain science. In her Brisbane practice, she conducts one-on-one consultations and energy assessments to ascertain where clients are on their journey, and then provides personalised guidance to help change the printout of their life. She also facilitates belief change, emotional release, and hands-on healing sessions to relieve stress and anxiety.

Anything is possible

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Words by Fiona (me) based on an interview with Steph
Photo by Aleksandra Boguslawska on Unsplash

Steph was suffering from PTSD as a result of her work as an paramedic.

She tried a few different things to help herself recover – “I tried lots of different things. I went to a different station to work for a while, I took up a business course and decided to learn about starting a business, and started swimming, but I’d also written a bucket list which I had taken out again to look at. I decided that I was going to pick the biggest, most meaningful thing off my bucket list and and do it”

What Steph picked was walking the 800km Camino Trail. It runs from the just before the border of France right across the north of Spain and is a mountainous pilgrim trail.

Steph was not particularly fit at the time, had severe knee arthritis and anxiety from the ptsd, but she had a year to prepare.

Preparation included sharing her story via Facebook (a public commitment!) and a book she has written, and also raining money for PTSD – specifically the Black Dog Institute.

Eventually the time came to start the walk “As I sat on the bus as it drove across the Alps towards my starting point, I was completely and utterly petrified. Everything in me just wanted to go home. I thought I cannot walk those mountains, I’m alone and I’m not fit enough. There was lots and lots of self talk – you didn’t train enough and that was your own fault, you’re gonna die on those mountains just trying to walk up them, what were you thinking doing this alone.”

Steph then looked up and saw the shepherds bringing their herds down the mountain and had a moment of thought “I can just start where I am. Start with the fitness I’ve got and build it up, be sensible about it, do as much as I can without injuring myself or hurting myself, and in that moment I  remembered why I was doing it and wanted to succeed, I wanted to make it to Santiago de Compostela and enjoy the journey along the way that I had read so much about. I had an image in my head of what it would be like on that final day to walk into the square and see the big Cathedral and know that I’d finished this.

“That became my driving force. I had a couple of nights there in the little town where you start the walk.  I spent the first day exploring and getting my mind in the right space to start the walk the next day. I was terrified to walk on my own, I didn’t know whether it was fully safe, so I rationalized that there are many people who do this walk every year and finish it and they are all different types of people with their own unique reasons for being there. I knew in that moment it was a mind thing more so than my fitness and it had been a long held passion for too long. It was time to make the dream a reality.”

The next day Steph began her 6 week walk. You average about 20km per day and the walk is often metaphorically divided into 3 phases – physical, mental and spiritual.

The first two weeks were the hardest physically. “It was so hard on my body every day. The pain in my knees and feet and trying to breathe walking up the mountains challenged every bit of my will.” Yet Steph persisted and slowly her fitness and endurance built up more and more.

The next 2 weeks were the hardest mentally “My mind kicked in. I started thinking about what I was doing here, about my home, my family and my life and about the PTSD, how long I could keep doing my job and what else could I do. I had been a paramedic so long that I didn’t have any other skills.” Steph describes lots of conflicted thinking and the war of thoughts inside her mind.

Steph was a much slower walker than most of the others on the trail and this meant she walked alone for 95% of the time. This provided a LOT of time to think.

By the end of about 4 weeks of walking she remembers standing on the top of a hill one day, looking back in amazement that she had already walked from as far in the distance as she could see and when she turned around, ahead as far as she could see was the distance still to walk that day. She had 29 days behind her that she had done and was already two thirds of the way through this journey.

A couple of days later was Steph’s nemesis mountain, the one she feared she would not be able to climb. A 9km walk up the highest mountain on the trail, and after 4 weeks of beautiful weather it started to rain and get cold. 3kms into the days walk Steph stopped for a cup of tea at a café, where it would have been so easy to call a taxi to complete the rest of the ascent to the top. She made the decision to continue walking despite the wet and cold, and after a further 3kms at the next town, over a hot chocolate she made that choice again. No taxis required! Steph conquered her nemesis that day.

After that Steph started noticing more of the beauty around her and kept walking every day and after the next 10 rain (and snow!) filled days the sun came back out. The walk had now become a routine and a joy as she found acceptance and awe in what she was able to do. No longer focussed on the things she couldn’t do, the possibility of what lay ahead for her life became exciting and carried her strongly though the remainder of the walk.

On the final day Steph reflected “Walking into that square at the end of an 800 kilometre walk was phenomenal. It was a once in a lifetime thing that you just never imagine a 55 year old female who, as a shift worker has never lived with routine, could do something day after day for 42 days, that was so physically and mentally demanding. I was there and I had done it!

“The beautiful part about it is I came back a completely different person. I came back with a different view of the world and at the lessons I learned in that journey still guide me now.”

I asked Steph what made her keep going on those hard days “I’ve done lots of things in my life where you start and then give up. I did it because I wanted to inspire myself and prove that despite any odds, anything is possible. Through challenging the things that I shouldn’t, wouldn’t or couldn’t do, I want to inspire others to go out into the world and do those things that spark a fire in their minds, even when they think it is impossible.”

Steph still has PTSD but is using her experiences to help others to create and succeed in their own 1 Big Goal.  I have every faith that someone as determined as she is will work it out!

A Do-Over

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Words by Rhea
Image by me (Fiona)

Have you ever wanted a do-over?

Rhea took advantage of a second shot at University to do just that!

Please see below Rhea’s answers to my questions about her experience.

Tell me about a time you stepped out of your comfort zone?

In 2015 I re-entered University to get a second shot at my first year. A series of crises in the previous year forced me to take an unexpected hiatus, but since most people don’t get do-overs and second chances, I decided to use it as an opportunity to better myself and grow out of this shy persona I had cultivated for myself. I privately made a resolution to myself that I was going to initiate a conversation with at least 5 people and try to exchange phone numbers. 

Why did you do it?

Back in high-school, I found myself getting increasingly shyer and it was beginning to cripple me. It slowly began to erode my self-confidence and affected how I presented myself. I walked hunched over with my head down, arms crossed over my chest and with my voice thin to a permanent whisper. I wanted to take the first steps to improve myself, and since University was a fresh start, I thought that was the perfect opportunity. I realize now that this manner of presenting myself was just a reflection of the inner turmoil I was experiencing.

What was the outcome?

It was not only a big step for me that made me feel accomplished, but it got easier each time. It was through that experience that I met my longstanding best friend through Uni, Beth. Of course, much of the relationships I initially began fizzled out naturally. But since I was able to initiate far more than the 5 that I set out to do, I was able to meet so many people and begin many new friendships.

How did you feel before, during and after?

Before taking the very first step, I was obviously afraid. The thought of being soundly rejected repeated itself in my head and initially made my anxiety much worse. But I pushed through anyways. I started small, practicing putting myself at ease in conversation, not answering with one-word answers and asking follow-ups that would continue conversation. Most importantly, when a conversation was cut off short and those feelings of rejection began creeping up, I reminded myself not to take it personally and just continue accomplishing my goal. It got easier to do as time went on because whenever anxiety started rearing its ugly head, I simply reminded myself of all the times I was successful, and that voice of doubt was immediately disproven. After all was said and done, I felt immensely proud of myself. I was proud of the fact that I was able to see something in myself and—rather than beat myself up for it— work to improve it.  

Would you step out of your comfort zone again? Why? (Or why not?)

I would absolutely do it again. I still consider myself quite shy, even though a lot of people think of me as confident. I’ve found the feedback I’ve gotten quite reaffirming as well. My ultimate goal in life is to be absolutely fearless and try most things that scare me, and there’s no way to accomplish that without stepping out of my comfort zone every now and then. I even managed to take the stage to sing for some open mic nights during University. That isn’t something I’d come close to doing had I not taken that initial small step.

What did you learn from being out of your comfort zone?

The experience taught me that many of my fears were overblown. Even if I did experience the “downsides” like rejection, it wasn’t as bad as my imagination made it seem and I’d feel much worse never having tried. Not trying felt like giving up on myself and reaffirmed that negative perception I had of myself. Stepping out of my comfort zone was my way of telling myself that I fundamentally don’t believe my negative qualities exist and that I know I’m fully capable of trying at the very least. 

What advice would you give to someone considering stepping out of their comfort zone?

Break up a big goal into small steps. If your resolution is to do a standup routine on open mic night, think of all the smaller skills that entails: being able to speak in crowds, being able to deliver your thoughts confidently, thinking on your feet, not taking bombing personally. Building up these smaller skills will make accomplishing the next thing you set out to do much easier, and it culminates in the ability to conquer larger tasks that used to faze you.

Rhea Henry now works as a copy writer for sites like Rank-It.ca and hopes to someday publish her own work.

Mindfulness saved my life!

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Image by me (Fiona)
Words by me based on an interview with Kathy

Kathy shared with me the story of how mindfulness saved her life. And not just the living breathing part, but her job, home and relationships too.

In 2000 Kathy had a perfect life – dream job, great partner, perfect house in a perfect location, a thriving daughter.

After a fun Melbourne Cup Day with friends, Kathy woke up with a swollen arm.

“I woke up and my whole arm was swollen. And I thought crap, I’ve been bitten or something. It was a really strange, thumping funny pain. It was really swollen and my hand was turning from red to black to blue to black to red to blue. And then it was going white. So, I went into the GP thinking I can get this looked at and I’ll go to work afterwards. I’ll just be a little bit late.

“He’s taken one look at it and said I’m gonna run some tests. Let’s go up to get an ultrasound done. And I went up to go up the ultrasound done. And from next to my heart and on down my arm was a blood clot. I was told we’ve got a call an ambulance and you’re not allowed to move on your own volition from now until we get you on something because it was right next to my heart and it was bad.”

Despite a number of treatments to try and remove the clot – none of which were pleasant – the worst happened and the clot moved and stopped Kathy’s heart. She was revived and had a venaplasty to remove the clot. 14 days later, still in hospital, it came back! And once again entered her heart, this time not stopping it completely but putting Kathy into fibrillation and giving her a mini stroke.

Kathy was in and out of hospital for 3 months before the doctors gave up on keeping the clot from returning. They gave her 10 years.

Life did not go back to normal. Kathy was angry! She did not have sensation in her arm, she had ongoing injections. She was fit, never smoked or drank. This was not meant to happen to her.

As a result of the anger Kathy lost her partner. She battled constantly with her daughter. She was angry at work for no reason. And in an unrelated event lost her house.

“So finally, my boss of the woman that I owe virtually everything I am today to a lovely lady by the name of Christine. My manager took me aside and said ‘Kathy, you are one of the most amazing assets our team has. But with this attitude, you either have to fix it or you’re out. No one wants to work with you. We’re sick of it. And if you don’t want to change, if you can’t, whatever, then there’s the door. Think about it.’ And she sent me home. This talk happened around lunchtime, and she sent me home for the day. She said leave now we don’t want you here”

On her way home Kathy went past a milk bar with a sign in the window asking ‘Are you stressed? Would you like more happiness in your life?’ and it caught her attention. Yes, she would like more happiness! What was being offered was 3 one-hour sessions on mindfulness. And Kathy went along!

Kathy was not immediately convinced “When I went to the first mindfulness sessions, I thought it was going to be all hippy stuff and I wasn’t sure whether I should go.”

“In that first session, I learnt that all that anger was not from external, it was internal. It was my own attitude that was perpetuating it.”

And even once she was on board, Kathy struggled to tame her mind and control her anger. It took hard work, dedicated practice and time before “I began to be more calm and accepting so I could connect with people and re-build my life and relationships.”

“And the rest is history as the world says.

“The mindfulness practice that I learned I think saved my job. I was able to reconnect with my partner, I found a new house that was equally good. And my daughter and I became close. But I think that that mindfulness practice helped me rebuild everything that I had destroyed through this anger and frustration after my illness. And it’s helped me cope with that illness. And the last part of my story is they gave me 10 years to live. And I firmly believe that my mindfulness practice in the way that I’ve been able to heal my mind has helped me heal my body. Because I was meant to die 10 years ago.”

Kathy’s doctors are fascinated to know what she did to heal herself.

But her message? “Don’t believe all the hype about mindfulness, don’t believe all the research about mindfulness, don’t go on into all of the studies that have been peer reviewed, don’t care about any of that stuff. You hear mindfulness too much these days. Try it for yourself and see if there’s benefits for yourself. And doesn’t matter what anybody else says. If it works, and you find benefit, keep it. If it doesn’t, dump it, just like what we do in agile teams. We do a retro, right. It’s almost the same thing. Try few things. Keep it if it works, dump it if it dies, and mindfulness despite what’s been said and all the myths and all the rumours, give it a go. And of course get in touch with me if you want to learn more.”

About Kathy:

With a background in software development, Kathy is an agile professional with over 30 years of experience in I.T. She delivers agile training and coaching services to many organisations in Australia and around the world including large corporations and government departments. Since 1999, Kathy has been studying, practicing and teaching mindfulness. Kathy works with organisations to implement mindfulness practices to improve teamwork, be more innovative and deliver better customer value. She is passionate about seeing people, teams and organisations succeed and thrive in an environment of collaboration and harmony.

No Limits!

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Image by me (Fiona)
Words by me, based on an interview with Jessy.

Imagine, if you will, putting a post on linked in that was a bit out of our comfort zone. A sensitive topic. And going to bed pleased that it had 10 likes instead of your typical 2 or 3…

Then imagine waking up the next morning to 150,000 views!

And within 3 weeks that post had been seen by 19 million people.

At the time I am writing this, Jessy has had almost 600,000 likes and almost 40,000 comments on that post. She has over 11,000 followers.

In her own words “it changed my life and opened me up to things that I just what didn’t necessarily have before”.

Jessy grew up in a small town and had grown up feeling quite alone and without much support. She went through some awful experiences as an adult. Jessy told me “I’ve never ever felt in my life, like I had friends and for the first time in my life, I do”.

Stepping out of her comfort zone had been a ‘one day’ thing for Jessy “Oh, it’d be nice to do one day. I’ll do it when time permits. I would love to be a bit more bold.”

The LinkedIn post in question was not something Jessy planned. She wrote from her heart, and that comes through in her words.

Jessy is using the platform she now has to “let other people live their truth and be proud of who they are. I want people to feel empowered, to trust themselves, to bet on themselves. And to really promote that self love. The best way I can describe it is that I truly believe that when you start feeling happier about yourself, your capabilities, and your self worth, I truly believe that that flows onto how you feel about other people and how you want other people to succeed. So I’m very much about holding accountability, holding ourselves accountable for our own happiness and our own successes.” The passion and care in Jessy shone brightly as she described her goals to me.

I asked Jessy what had changed for her in the past 3 weeks “the biggest thing for me has been that I wake up every morning and I’m so excited. I’m so excited to create content. I’m constantly making new videos, having conversations, writing blog posts. I just want to start now!

“My life has changed because I feel like, for the first time ever, now is the time that I can do something. I’ve met some amazing people with some amazing stories and my life is forever better for it. 

“I’m constantly growing and I do enjoy learning and developing myself as a person, but I never realised how much I loved hearing and learning about other people until now. So I’m very excited!”

Jessy also learned that she is a lot tougher than she thought! She was scared to post her story for fear people would agree with those that had bullied her. “Actually, I have had that. Of course, you’re not going to get a post be viewed by so many people and not get any negativity, and I have had that. But I’ve realised that I can take a lot more than I can thought. For example (really sorry about my language) I had a message yesterday from someone saying ‘yeah, but you’re an effing fat whale.’

“I think that two weeks ago, I would have been so crushed by that. But now I’m thinking, actually, you’ve gone out of your way to do that! I’ve clearly made you feel something. So therefore my message is still correct, that people need to start making other people uncomfortable, so that things can start improving.”

As always, I asked Jessy for advice for someone thinking about stepping out of their comfort zone “In terms of stepping out of your comfort zone. I genuinely believe that it can go good or it can go bad, but it’s only going to go as bad as you let it. I don’t mean to sound so corny, but everything is a lesson. I think it’s the attitude that is really important. And if you’re going to go all that way, stepping out of your comfort zone, you may as well make it so epic, that you are so proud of it.”

Jessy admitted her answer today is different than it would have been to w weeks ago, but it included “Do it!

“If it hadn’t worked out, I think I wouldn’t have been that worse off.”

Self-limiting beliefs hold people back and “And so that’s why you should step out of your comfort zone and you should do things that scare you or is not normal for you. Because then it helps you grow as a person and helps you realise what your limitations are. You can start pushing them and really the only thing you’re doing is opening yourself up to more new opportunities.”

Thank you, Jessy,!

A bit about Jessy:

Jessy is a Marketing professional embarking on a self love journey and looking for others to join her. She started The Emotion Exchange as a safe place for professionals to gather together to learn, grow and empower each other. Jessy hopes that within the group everyone is able to share their experience and expertise, change the stigma of emotions and tears to be turned into a positive and allow professionals to grow into the leaders they deserve to be.

https://www.linkedin.com/groups/8952417

Invisible Expectations

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Words by me based on an interview with Carly.
Image by me (Fiona)

Carly reflected on comfort zones and what they mean when I invited her to be interviewed for this blog. “I was thinking about my experience and what is the comfort zone. And more to the point, why do we call it a comfort zone because it’s really not a comfortable place to be? 

“And having the courage to make a change or try something in a different way might feel a bit challenging or uncomfortable or scary before we take the plunge. But as soon as you take that first step, you feel really liberated and energised. And it’s almost like a return to who you really are. I feel like that’s the difference between living and existing.”

Carly’s experience that she chose to share was her decision to take a break from alcohol “I had found myself in a place where I was really unhappy. And I felt like I was sort of stuck in a rut where I was working really hard all week – working long hours in quite an intense, stressful role.

“Then the weekend would come and I couldn’t wait to get out of the office and go and have a drink with friends and then I’d party through the weekend, and then Monday would come and I’d be back at square one.

“I was ‘healthy’ by societal standards, I wasn’t drinking every night, I wasn’t considered an alcoholic. But looking back, it wasn’t a healthy way of living at all”

A traumatic event found Carly reflecting on how she was living her life and she came to the conclusion that alcohol was holding her back. “Then I started to think ‘Alright, well maybe I’ll just have a break’ I didn’t set out to stop drinking for a week or a month or three months – there were no rules. I decided that I would have a break and see how that felt.”

Making that decision brought up a lot of uncomfortable questions for Carly “You’ve got this dinner with these people – so how do I do that? Or we’ve got that work thing. And then questioning – do you do you really have to drink at those events? Because I would always have thought ‘Yeah, of course I do.’

“And that’s how we operate in society, in the circles that I was in, my family and in my workplaces. It made me realise not only how normalised it was, but also had me questioning whether there was a bit of identity wrapped up in that.

“So, who am I if I’m not that fun party girl? Who am I if I’m not this person who drinks socially? And how is that going to be perceived?

“I also realised that under that there was a bit of fear of being seen in a different way, or a fear of letting that go. And then I realised how ridiculous both of those things were.

“Wondering would my friends still want to hang out with me if I wasn’t going to be drinking, and realising how ridiculous that was.”

Carly decided to just try it. No rules made, more experimental, an exploration, something that took courage in stepping away from the comfort zone and what was considered ‘normal’.

“I was quite amazed after getting past those initial ‘challenges’ that they were really not real. And I wasn’t held to anything. And realising that I did still enjoy that lunch. And people did still talk to me at the at the work event, the wedding, the social event. And furthermore, there was now a more valuable conversation to be had.”

Carly found that this step out of her comfort zone had a ripple effect of choices that were made from a place of selfcare – decisions that have led to a new job, a new home, and a deeper connection with nature and exercise.

She also started questioning the unspoken expectations – from something as simple as leaving a dinner when you are tired rather than waiting for an ‘acceptable’ time to leave.

For people considering a step out of their comfort zone Carly has this advice “It comes down to connecting to the meaning and purpose behind what you’re doing and what that means to you, and who you really are. Because if you’re stepping out of your comfort zone for you, then the minute that you take that step, it’s going to feel completely liberating, and you’ll feel supported and so free and alive. You’ll be completely energised and you’ll never look back.

“But I think if you were stepping out of your comfort zone out of pressure or out of expectation, or because you feel that you ‘should’ do something for someone else – I don’t know how that will go. It probably would not feel as true”

Carly finished with a reminder that the comfort zone may be familiar – but it is not really that comfortable! And she raised an enquiry: “Why is it that we seek comfort over personal growth?”